From golden@cs.uno.edu Fri Aug 7 17:12:40 1998 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil t nil t nil nil] ["5655" "Fri" "7" "August" "1998" "16:11:00" "-0500" "Golden G. Richard, III" "golden@cs.uno.edu" "<35CB6D64.23FB68F9@cs.uno.edu>" "117" "[Fwd: The Best Of The Worst Of ER]" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from cs.uno.edu (bigtop.cs.uno.edu) by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA20242 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Fri, 7 Aug 1998 17:12:38 -0400 Received: from cs.uno.edu (moe [137.30.2.74]) by cs.uno.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7) with ESMTP id QAA02187 for ; Fri, 7 Aug 1998 16:12:49 -0500 (CDT) Message-Id: <35CB6D64.23FB68F9@cs.uno.edu> Organization: University of New Orleans Dept. of Computer Science X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.04 [en] (WinNT; I) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit From: "Dr. Golden G. Richard III" To: frank@DRI.cornell.edu Subject: [Fwd: The Best Of The Worst Of ER] Date: Fri, 07 Aug 1998 16:11:00 -0500 christine wrote: > This free joke was provided by FunnyMail.com > http://www.funnymail.com/ > ====================================================== > > A few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is > stranger than fiction. > > A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. > The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. > When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they > were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the > nitroglycerin explode. > > A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild > abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady > had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable > to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a > baby. > > A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken > rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could > reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in > good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the > search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking > sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. > After a brief fight, the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels > from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist > it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while > sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for > medical assistance. > > A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs > was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to > undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under > her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her > chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And > last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was > discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as > "The Human Couch". > > A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER > parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. > Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! > Puta!" At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father > had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was > "Puja!" (Push!). Instead, he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!" > > An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine > induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert > a catheter a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin > fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him > back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His > response: "It was a fifty, bitch!" > > An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green vines > in my virginny". A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a > six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed > that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and > looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient > said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in > there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. > > The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. > with a complaint of belly button lint. > > A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the > exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The > doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. > The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results > of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not > sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay > there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" > Patient: "No. Who?" > > A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to > the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation > attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell > the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. > "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance > forty-five minutes ago!" > > A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting > next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) > that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing > with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if > there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for > AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been > screwing the dog?" > > A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said > that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and > she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the > bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up > either." > > ====================================================== > Want More? Sign up for our free joke mailing list > at Funnymail.com: http://www.funnymail.com/, or email > us at fm@funnymail.com -- Golden G. Richard III, Ph.D. Asst. Professor, Dept. of Computer Science golden@*DIE-SPAMMER-DIE*.cs.uno.edu University of New Orleans (504-280-6045) finger: golden@foxglove.cs.uno.edu (PGP) WWW: http://www.cs.uno.edu/~golden [My opinions, unless I say otherwise, are not necessarily shared by UNO]