Politically Correct Barbies =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials. Divorced Barbie: Comes with not only Barbie's stuff, but all of Ken's stuff as well. Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken. Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback. Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet. Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: booklets on sexual responsibility, accessories such as contraceptives, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breast pump. All are optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie. Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse. Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so", "Dang, get outta my face" and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men and condescending white people. Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe. Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!" Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous behind, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a tub of Baskin-Robbins ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite. ---------------------- Barbi's Letter to Santa... Dear Santa: Listen, you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to you, Santa, but it's definately payback time! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm going to call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't want to be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa: 1.) A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits going to get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt? 2.) Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead decided go cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite.) 3.) A real man! ...Maybe GI Joe. Heck, I'd take Tickle Me Elmo over that wimpy Kenny. If I'm gonna have to suffer with him at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4.) Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist -- just get it done. 5.) A sports bra -- to wear until I get the surgery. 6.) A new career. Pet Doctor and School Teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account executive or even a buyer for Ford Motor Company for goodness sake! 7.) A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips. "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs. Or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 8.) No more fast food endorsements. The greasy burgers are wrecking my vinyl. 9.) Company stock options! It's been 37 years - and, damn it, I built the company! I think I deserve it. Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple. Cordially yours, Barbara Finkleschwartz