From short@tc.cornell.edu Fri Jun 20 11:41:52 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil t nil nil nil nil] ["2941" "Fri" "20" "June" "1997" "11:41:45" "-0400" "Faith Short" "short@tc.cornell.edu" "" "69" "Fwd: Creative analogies" "^From:" nil nil "6" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from THEORY.TC.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA16329 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Fri, 20 Jun 1997 11:41:51 -0400 Received: from [128.84.51.50] ([128.84.51.50]) by theory.tc.cornell.edu (8.8.4/8.8.3/CTC-1.0) with ESMTP id LAA38634; Fri, 20 Jun 1997 11:41:48 -0400 Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: corbitm@TC.Cornell.EDU, donna@TC.Cornell.EDU, herzog@TC.Cornell.EDU, jeanne@TC.Cornell.EDU, kshippos@TC.Cornell.EDU, mhammill@TC.Cornell.EDU, cal@TC.Cornell.EDU, frank@DRI.cornell.edu, rlf@TC.Cornell.EDU, jb69@cornell.edu, kag7@cornell.edu, mat5@cornell.edu Subject: Fwd: Creative analogies Date: Fri, 20 Jun 1997 11:41:45 -0400 These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest run by the Washington Post: He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) >From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access=20 T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung=20 by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as,like, whatever. (Unknown) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. From short@tc.cornell.edu Thu Jun 26 13:06:58 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4925" "Thu" "26" "June" "1997" "13:06:44" "-0400" "Faith Short" "short@tc.cornell.edu" nil "120" "interview don'ts, of the weird flavor" "^From:" nil nil "6" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from THEORY.TC.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA27758 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Thu, 26 Jun 1997 13:06:57 -0400 Received: from [128.84.51.50] ([128.84.51.50]) by theory.tc.cornell.edu (8.8.4/8.8.3/CTC-1.0) with ESMTP id NAA58368; Thu, 26 Jun 1997 13:06:48 -0400 Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: donna@TC.Cornell.EDU, herzog@TC.Cornell.EDU, corbitm@TC.Cornell.EDU, jeanne@TC.Cornell.EDU, kshippos@TC.Cornell.EDU, cal@TC.Cornell.EDU, julie@TC.Cornell.EDU, radbord@TC.Cornell.EDU, mcevoy@TC.Cornell.EDU, pat@TC.Cornell.EDU, bower@TC.Cornell.EDU, mhammill@TC.Cornell.EDU, rlf@TC.Cornell.EDU, stacyp@TC.Cornell.EDU, sam@TC.Cornell.EDU, jap@TC.Cornell.EDU, skovira@TC.Cornell.EDU, jdeutsch@TC.Cornell.EDU, frank@DRI.cornell.edu, viscuso@TC.Cornell.EDU, pgp@TC.Cornell.EDU, jsw@TC.Cornell.EDU, devine@TC.Cornell.EDU, simon@cheme.cornell.edu, etrout1@aol.com, tfia94@aol.com Subject: interview don'ts, of the weird flavor Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 13:06:44 -0400 We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: 1. "... said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent." 2. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 3. "... brought her large dog to the interview." 4. "... chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles." 5. "Candidate kept giggling through serious interview." 6. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 7. "Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 8. "Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle." 9. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 10. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office." 11. "Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview." 12. "Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president." 13. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 14. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 15. "... wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police." 16. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 17. "... had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him." 18. "... bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet." 19. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 20. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 21. "Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer I had made was formal." 22. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 23. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold." 24. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 25. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 26. "An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus." 27. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 28. "He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped." 29. "He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time." 30. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 31. "He whistled when the interviewer was talking." 32. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security." 33. "... she threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened." 34. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk." 35. "... asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview." From fes4@cornell.edu Mon Aug 25 09:20:17 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil t t nil t nil nil] ["2878" "Mon" "25" "August" "1997" "09:23:44" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" "" "103" "Famous Texas Quotes" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA06238 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Mon, 25 Aug 1997 09:20:13 -0400 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id JAA28104; Mon, 25 Aug 1997 09:20:11 -0400 (EDT) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: jap@tc.cornell.edu, jfs9@cornell.edu, mwh4@cornell.edu, frank@DRI.cornell.edu, brendan.j.wyly@sgc.infonet.com, kag7@cornell.edu Subject: Famous Texas Quotes Date: Mon, 25 Aug 1997 09:23:44 -0500 "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos." * Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" * Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one." * A. C. Greene "No thanks, once was enough." * Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." * Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot." * Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room." * Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal. "I am filled with humidity." * Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." * Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies "Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time." * George Bush discussing a Walter Mondale comment that he didn't have the manhood to apologize for an incorrect assertion. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen..." * Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower "I move we recess to go outside and throw up." * Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing "This is a real competitive business." * A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." * Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." * Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton "Let's do this in one foul sweep." * Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." * Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." * Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." * Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." * Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you." * Anon. "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." * Don Rottenberg "Which one is that?" "I just voted the way my wife told me to; she knew what it was." * Texas gubernatorial candidate Clayton Williams, when asked how he had voted on the only proposition on the Texas ballot From fes4@cornell.edu Mon Aug 25 09:22:25 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["961" "Mon" "25" "August" "1997" "09:25:56" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" nil "42" "More words to live by." "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA06244 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Mon, 25 Aug 1997 09:22:24 -0400 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id JAA29766; Mon, 25 Aug 1997 09:22:22 -0400 (EDT) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: mwh4@cornell.edu, frank@DRI.cornell.edu Subject: More words to live by. Date: Mon, 25 Aug 1997 09:25:56 -0500 Eagles soar, but a weasel will never get sucked into a jet engine. We are all God+s children. By a previous marriage. Ask me about my vow of silence. Think +honk+ if you+re a telepath. I+m not your type - - - I have a pulse. Circular definition: see circular definition. Committee: a group that takes minutes and wastes hours. Claustrophobia: a fear of Santa Claus. I said no to drugs but they didn+t listen. Purranoia: the fear that your cats are up to something. No left turn unstoned. School-free Drug Zone. A drug is a substance that when injected into a lab rat produces a scientific paper. Dyslexics have more fnu. Ask me about my third chromosome. Question authority. Ask me anything. My superiority complex is bigger than your superiority complex. I+m not shy. I+m studying my prey. Success didn+t spoil me; I+ve always been insufferable. The ozone layer or cheese in a spray can? Don+t make me choose! From fes4@cornell.edu Fri Aug 29 11:27:49 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["757" "Fri" "29" "August" "1997" "11:31:24" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" nil "25" "English joke" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA05259 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Fri, 29 Aug 1997 11:27:48 -0400 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id LAA28593 for ; Fri, 29 Aug 1997 11:27:47 -0400 (EDT) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: frank@DRI.cornell.edu Subject: English joke Date: Fri, 29 Aug 1997 11:31:24 -0500 Maybe you've already seen it (maybe I've already sent it, for that matter), but here it is anyway. -f- Finally, a dirty joke for English majors! ;) > A Chicago salesman on a business trip to Boston had a few >hours to kill before catching a plane home. Remembering an old >friend's advice to try some broiled scrod,... a favorite fish in >Boston, he hopped into a cab and asked the driver, "Say, do you >know where I could get scrod around here?" > > The driver replied, "Pal, I've heard that question a >thousand times, but this is the first time in the passive >pluperfect subjunctive." > _________________________________________________________________________ | "Hell is truth seen too late." -- Hegel | From fes4@cornell.edu Mon Oct 6 08:22:40 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4482" "Mon" "6" "October" "1997" "08:26:31" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" nil "125" "Good Ones" "^From:" nil nil "10" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA08244 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Mon, 6 Oct 1997 08:22:34 -0400 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id IAA24524; Mon, 6 Oct 1997 08:22:24 -0400 (EDT) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: mwh4@cornell.edu, frank@DRI.cornell.edu, jap@tc.cornell.edu, skovira@tc.cornell.edu, kag7@cornell.edu Subject: Good Ones Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 08:26:31 -0500 There might be some you've seen before, but oh well . . . what memories. . . . I. SPEECH GOOFS "I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign "This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral "Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks." --George Bush "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund "I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore--that is, Maryland." --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address "The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline "I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." --George Bush "If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan "My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on "Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle "Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time. II. FOREIGN GOOFS "Bite the wax tadpole." --Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." --ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese "I am a jelly doughnut" --English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall "We pray for MacArthur's erection." --sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." --from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991 "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." --Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad III. MISCELLANEOUS "I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that." --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona "Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States." --Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972 "Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The Daily Californian "Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer "I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience From fes4@cornell.edu Mon Oct 6 09:43:10 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["1659" "Mon" "6" "October" "1997" "09:47:13" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" nil "51" "New Office Lingo" "^From:" nil nil "10" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA09032 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Mon, 6 Oct 1997 09:43:08 -0400 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id JAA03734; Mon, 6 Oct 1997 09:43:05 -0400 (EDT) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: kag7@cornell.edu, jap@tc.cornell.edu, mwh4@cornell.edu, cag20@cornell.edu, frank@DRI.cornell.edu, bjw4@cornell.edu, skovira@tc.cornell.edu, eaw9@cornell.edu Subject: New Office Lingo Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 09:47:13 -0500 They're coming fast and furious this morning! GENERATION X AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993. 404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404. Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists." Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace From fes4@cornell.edu Mon Oct 6 09:46:17 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["2745" "Mon" "6" "October" "1997" "09:50:03" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" nil "87" "Trailer Homes" "^From:" nil nil "10" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA09081 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Mon, 6 Oct 1997 09:46:01 -0400 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id JAA06524; Mon, 6 Oct 1997 09:45:55 -0400 (EDT) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: eaw9@cornell.edu, kag7@cornell.edu, cag20@cornell.edu, mwh4@cornell.edu, jap@tc.cornell.edu, bjw4@cornell.edu, skovira@tc.cornell.edu, frank@DRI.cornell.edu, jim@saecrc.org Subject: Trailer Homes Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 09:50:03 -0500 > > REDNECK ETIQUETTE > -------------------- > -------------------------------- > Redneck Driving Etiquette > -------------------------------- > When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires > always has the right of way. > > Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. > > When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to > ask her to bring back beer. > > Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. > > Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. > > > Redneck Personal Hygiene - > -------------------------------- > Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a > hand-me-down item. > > While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be > done in private using one's OWN truck keys. > > > Redneck Dining Out > -------------------------------- > Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their > mobile home costs just as much as yours. > > > Redneck Entertaining in Your Home > ----------------------------------------- > Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his > manners are. > > If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to > leave them alone for a few minutes. > > > Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) - > ----------------------------------------- > Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. > > Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to > go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two > years a go." > > If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water > tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in > frustration. > > > Redneck Theater Etiquette > ----------------------------------------- > What's the theater? > > Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately > after the movie has ended. > > Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven > they can't hear you. > > > Redneck Wedding Etiquette > ----------------------------------- > Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. > > It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding. > > When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. > > > Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions > -------------------------------------------- > Never take a beer to a job interview > > It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. > > Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. > > Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's > considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home. From fes4@cornell.edu Tue Nov 25 15:24:37 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil t nil nil] ["6782" "Tue" "25" "November" "1997" "15:29:19" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" nil "129" "fwd: academic death" "^From:" nil nil "11" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA25343 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Tue, 25 Nov 1997 15:24:36 -0500 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id PAA19250; Tue, 25 Nov 1997 15:24:33 -0500 (EST) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: mwh4@cornell.edu, frank@DRI.cornell.edu, cag20@cornell.edu, eaw9@cornell.edu, eam7@cornell.edu, clm17@cornell.edu, ahs2@cornell.edu, bws2@cornell.edu, jap@tc.cornell.edu, skovira@tc.cornell.edu, jdeutsch@tc.cornell.edu Subject: fwd: academic death Date: Tue, 25 Nov 1997 15:29:19 -0500 2 Gurus, Different Mountaintops John Gottman and John Gray both write books that aim to help us improve our relationships. But the similarity ends there. By HARA ESTROFF MARANO, Psychology Today [W]alk into any bookstore in America, head for the psychology section, and there, shelved side by side--until sales do them part--you'll find two of the gurus of marriage and relationships, John Gottman, PhD, and John Gray, PhD. Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, virtually invented the science of observing how people behave within relationships. From groans and grimaces we scarcely notice, Gottman can predict the likelihood of marital bliss with almost frightening accuracy. He's a prolific writer, but most of his work appears in scholarly journals. A few years ago, he penned a book for nonprofessionals, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" (Simon & Schuster). It sells respectably. But Gottman's royalty checks pale next to those of Gray, who at last count had sold 10 million copies of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" (HarperCollins) and its four sequels. His latest effort is "Mars and Venus on a Date"--hey, why restrict a hot concept to married folks? Or even adults: Gray is already developing a Mars-Venus approach to raising kids. Of course, we haven't even talked about Gray's audiotapes and videos. Or his one-man show on Broadway earlier this year. The Celebrity Line cruises. CD-ROMs. Seminars. A recent prime-time television special. And the first franchise deal to hit psychotherapy: for a few thousand dollars, plus a yearly renewal fee, you too can buy the right to call your therapy practice a "Mars & Venus Counseling Center." Lack the appropriate professional credentials? So does Gray, who isn't licensed to practice psychology but is allowed to work as a "spiritual counselor" in California because of a nine-year stint as a monk. In a nutshell: Gottman is the gold standard while Gray is the gold earner. John Gottman and John Gray, side by side. The placement invites--nay, demands--a comparison of the two. How does their information and advice stack up? The short answer is that Gottman creates top psychology, while Gray mines pop psychology (or "poop psychology," in the words of one Psychology Today reader). We've compiled a handy crib sheet from their writings and sayings. Judge for yourself. * * * A Tale of Two Relationship Gurus ISSUE: Academic credentials GOTTMAN : PhD, University of Illinois GRAY : PhD, by correspondence course, Columbia Pacific University (an unaccredited institution) * * * ISSUE: License GOTTMAN : Psychologist GRAY : Driver * * * ISSUE: Best-selling book GOTTMAN : "Why Marriages Succeed" (55,000 copies sold) GRAY : "Men Are From Mars" (6 million and counting) * * * ISSUE: Number of journal articles written GOTTMAN : 109 GRAY : 0 * * * ISSUE: Academic research GOTTMAN : Naturalistic observation of couples living in apartment laboratory, physiological monitoring GRAY : None * * * ISSUE: Number of couples formally studied GOTTMAN : 760 GRAY : 0 * * * ISSUE: Cardinal rule of relationships GOTTMAN : What people think they do in relationships and what they actually do are two different things GRAY : Men and women are different * * * ISSUE: Defining statement GOTTMAN : It's the everyday, mindless moments that are the basis of romance in marriage GRAY : Before 1950, men were men, and women were women * * * ISSUE: What makes marriage work GOTTMAN : Making mental maps of each other's world GRAY : Heeding gender stereotypes * * * ISSUE: What makes marriages fail GOTTMAN : Heeding gender stereotypes; reactions to stress GRAY : Gender differences in communication style * * * ISSUE: Relationship heroes GOTTMAN : Men who put the toilet seat down GRAY : Men who escape to their "cave" * * * ISSUE: Key gender difference GOTTMAN : Men's and women's bodies respond differently when negative emotions become intense GRAY : Women talk too much about feelings * * * ISSUE: Basic reason for marital conflict GOTTMAN : It's virtually inevitable between two people GRAY : She hates Super Bowl Sunday * * * ISSUE: Men's biggest mistake GOTTMAN : Failing to take a deep breath during conflict GRAY : Trying to solve her problems * * * ISSUE: Women's biggest mistake GOTTMAN : Stating complaints as criticisms GRAY : Giving advice * * * ISSUE: Why men don't help out at home GOTTMAN : They weren't trained to notice domestic concerns GRAY : They give their all at the office * * * ISSUE: What the Johns say about each other GOTTMAN : "I envy his financial success." GRAY : "John who?" From fes4@cornell.edu Tue Oct 28 17:44:31 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil t nil t nil nil] ["3448" "Tue" "28" "October" "1997" "17:48:21" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" "" "60" "eeeeuuuuwwwwwwww!!!" "^From:" nil nil "10" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA01904 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Tue, 28 Oct 1997 17:44:05 -0500 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id RAA08031; Tue, 28 Oct 1997 17:43:59 -0500 (EST) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: mwh4@cornell.edu, rlf4@cornell.edu, frank@DRI.cornell.edu, jim@saecrc.org Subject: eeeeuuuuwwwwwwww!!! Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 17:48:21 -0500 **************************************** Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.....proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. **************************************** Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. **************************************** A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." **************************************** A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." **************************************** Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" ***************************************** Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication! ***************************************** A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." ****************************************** A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This is not my usual, what is it?" To which the bartender said, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc!" ****************************************** A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men: one was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. ****************************************** There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. ****************************************** A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!" ****************************************** This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!" From fes4@cornell.edu Tue Oct 14 11:41:17 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["3050" "Tue" "14" "October" "1997" "11:45:31" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" nil "87" "new horosope angle" "^From:" nil nil "10" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA16416 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Tue, 14 Oct 1997 11:41:17 -0400 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id LAA00471; Tue, 14 Oct 1997 11:41:15 -0400 (EDT) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: mwh4@cornell.edu, eaw9@cornell.edu, frank@DRI.cornell.edu, pilotdiane@aol.com Subject: new horosope angle Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 11:45:31 -0500 -------------------------------------------------- TODAY'S HOROSCOPE AQUARIUS: Jan 19-Feb 18 -- You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same stupid mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk. PISCES: Feb 19-Mar 20 -- You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dip. ARIES: Mar 21-Apr 19 -- You are the pioneer type and think most people are dicks. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but tick off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. TAURUS: Apr 20-May 20 -- You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned Communist. GEMINI: May 21-Jun 21 -- You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest. CANCER: Jun 22-Jul 22 -- You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples' problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. Everybody in prison is a cancer. LEO: Jul 23-Aug 22 -- You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving people and enjoy masturbation more than sex. VIRGO: Aug 23-Sep 22 -- You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. LIBRA: Sep 23-Oct 23 -- You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease. SCORPIO: Oct 24-Nov 21 The worst of the lost. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered. SAGITTARIUS: Nov 22-Dec 21 -- You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarian. You are a worthless piece of shit. CAPRICORN: Dec 22-Jan 19 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks, You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. There should be laws Kimberly Clark God didn't create the earth in 7 days, he hung around for 6 and then pulled an all-nighter. From fes4@cornell.edu Mon Mar 2 10:37:37 1998 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil t nil t nil nil] ["3101" "Mon" "2" "March" "1998" "10:43:51" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" "" "89" "landings" "^From:" nil nil "3" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA14587 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Mon, 2 Mar 1998 10:37:36 -0500 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id KAA28379; Mon, 2 Mar 1998 10:37:35 -0500 (EST) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: mwh4@cornell.edu, frank@DRI.cornell.edu, bjw4@cornell.edu, eaw9@cornell.edu, cb77@cornell.edu, kag7@cornell.edu Subject: landings Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 10:43:51 -0500 For anyone who's ever experienced a bad landing.... Airplane Landings An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered is ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no" said the pilot, Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" ~~~~~~~~ >From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." ~~~~~~~~~~~ United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so-called "touchdown." ~~~~~~~~ About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final descent that the captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ~~~~~~~~~~~ Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ~~~~~~~~~~~ Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin' back, man!" ~~~~~~~~~~~ Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet. From fes4@cornell.edu Wed Jan 14 14:24:57 1998 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["1476" "Wed" "14" "January" "1998" "14:30:11" "-0500" "Faith Short" "fes4@cornell.edu" nil "39" "Fw: 34 Things a Southerner Will Never Say (fwd)" "^From:" nil nil "1" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from POSTOFFICE2.MAIL.CORNELL.EDU by wheat.tc.cornell.edu with SMTP id AA17088 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4 for ); Wed, 14 Jan 1998 14:24:42 -0500 Received: from [132.236.184.24] ([132.236.184.24]) by postoffice2.mail.cornell.edu (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id OAA23797; Wed, 14 Jan 1998 14:24:36 -0500 (EST) X-Sender: fes4@postoffice4.mail.cornell.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Faith Short To: frank@DRI.cornell.edu, kag7@cornell.edu, jap@tc.cornell.edu, mwh4@cornell.edu, shortd@wpmail.phscare.org, jdeutsch@tc.cornell.edu, ebr2@cornell.edu, skovira@tc.cornell.edu, rlf4@cornell.edu, bjw4@cornell.edu, craig.short@mcmail.vanderbilt.edu, eaw9@cornell.edu, clm17@cornell.edu, bws2@cornell.edu, cb77@cornell.edu, dls37@cornell.edu, bethk@elmhurst.edu, perry_r@utpb.edu, bretts@neosoft.com, dr33@cornell.edu Subject: Fw: 34 Things a Southerner Will Never Say (fwd) Date: Wed, 14 Jan 1998 14:30:11 -0500 34 Things You'll Absolutely Never Hear a Southerner Say . . . 1. We don't keep firearms in this house. 2. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? 3. You can't feed that to the dog. 4. I thought Graceland was tacky. 5. No kids in the back of the pickup; it's not safe. 6. Wrasslin's fake. 7. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 8. We're vegetarians. 9. Lee, do you think my hair is too big? 10. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. 11. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? 12. Who's Richard Petty? 13. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 14. Deer heads detract from the decor. 15. Spittin' is such a nasty habit. 16. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 17. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 19. The tires on that truck are too big. 20. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 21. I've got it all on a floppy disk. 22. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 23. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 24. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 25. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 26. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 27. Checkmate. 28. She's too old to be wearing that bikini. 29. Does the salad bar have beansprouts? 30. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 31. I don't have a favorite college team. 32. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 33. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 34. Elvis who?