From JMBSYS@RITVM.BITNET Mon Jan 7 11:39:32 1991 Received: from ohstvma.ircc.ohio-state.edu by cheops.cis.ohio-state.edu (5.61-kk/5.910105) id AA22020; Mon, 7 Jan 91 11:39:05 -0500 Message-Id: <9101071639.AA22020@cheops.cis.ohio-state.edu> Received: from OHSTVMA.IRCC.OHIO-STATE.EDU by OHSTVMA.IRCC.OHIO-STATE.EDU (IBM VM SMTP R1.2.2MX) with BSMTP id 6878; Mon, 07 Jan 91 11:38:45 EST Received: from RITVM.BITNET by OHSTVMA.IRCC.OHIO-STATE.EDU (Mailer R2.07) with BSMTP id 6874; Mon, 07 Jan 91 11:38:39 EST Received: from RITVM (JMBSYS) by RITVM.BITNET (Mailer R2.03B) with BSMTP id 3649; Mon, 07 Jan 91 11:31:58 EST Date: Mon, 07 Jan 91 11:24:34 EST From: Jenny Subject: quote file (big) To: Frank Status: RO "The world isn't nice so I don't think people should make nice music anymore" -Steven Golub "It was unintelligible at any speed we played it." -- A US Government report investigating possible bad words in "Louie Louie" "I don't think enough like people to understand them." - Frank Adelstein "Expect some weird mail. Very weird mail." - Scott Fields "One thing you can say for high school - no matter how weird and terrible it is, it's an accurate preparation for the rest of life." -David Leibow If I lost my mind would you help me find it? The more I pondered this, the less benevolent the gift became... "Wait here." - Ray Bradbury as he ditched 10 vice presidents of Screen Gems and took a taxi home. Let's take a look at the quote the way Shatner would have said it: "LIFE'S but a... (elaborate gesture) walking-shadow-a... *POOR PLAYER* That... struts-and-frets-his-hour-upon-the-stage AND THEN... is... heard-no-more.-IT-is-a-tale... Told... by... an... (more elaborate gestures) *idiot*, fullll... of.. sound and *FURY*, Signifying... (still more elaborate gestures) mmmnothing." -Elf "Anyone from a species who has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand" "It's a fixer upper! What's the problem? You get a few priests in here..." - Homer Simpson "Quoth the raven, 'Eat my shorts'" "Anything is possible, and everything could be coincidental" - Thom Foote on network problems Nothing is true; everything is permissible "You gonna save us girls from white, male, corporate oppression...? huh...?" "I trusted him like a brother; that is to say, not at all." - Roger Zelazny There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence. - Two cows standing in a field. One says to the other: "What's all this about Mad Cow disease, then? Whaddya make of it?" Other cow replies: "Doesn't worry me, mate. I'm a frog." And for one real bright shiny moment... he was happy He's got a lot of French Toast in the back He's got it wrapped up in a sock - In the summer we'll sit in a field and watch the sun melt In the winter we'll sit by the fire and watch the moon freeze "Everything is relative" is an absolute statement. Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense. People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future - "To Be Is To Do" -- Socrates "To Do Is To Be" -- Sartre "Do Be Do Be Do" -- Sinatra Seen/heard recently somewhere: "There were so many fonts in that newsletter, it looked like a ransom note." -- Elliott Parker (On Chinese hot peppers) "Well, you're not supposed to eat them. They're just to look at. Kind of like parsley, but with a half-life" - Jen Green "I was a clown for Mardi Gras. I was kind of an aggressive clown, though. I'd go up to people and say 'F*** off, I'm a clown'" - David Leibow Goodness, what's that? It's a dwarf in a hat? Oh, no, you've brought the children, how sweet! You know how I love little kids "...take a lesson from the people in Eastern Europe. I mean, if you can get the Communists out of there we can get the Republicans out of here." - Frank Zappa - George "Flag-Burning Amendment" Bush: "Freedom!" Inigo Montoya: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." -- Andrew Bell, bell@cs.unc.edu "Damn good coffee" "Look --- it's trying to think!" "Drugs are the product of Satan. Drug users need to be saved by the Holy Power of Jesus Christ." -- current Drug Czar & drug addict, William Bennett "As for urinating on command. I suggest that we all do so, whenever requested and for whomever requests it. When they hold out their hand to take the bottle, pour it in their hand and ask, 'Would you like the stool sample now?'" - Karl Klingman "I'm crushing your HEAD! Oooh, how can you program with such a FLATHEAD?!" "Get extinct!" "I work all day, I come home, I expect a normal ham!" "You tried out a new recipe? How did it work out?... Swedish Meatballs Tartare......oh.... well, if you need someplace to stay...." "Gag me with a chainsaw" - Phil Rengert - Dietrich: "Anyway, Kamikazes were all bad pilots" Nick : "Oh yeah?" Dietrich: "Yeah, the good ones never made it past practice" "We don't just *borrow* words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." -- James D. Nicoll "Well, ok, whack fol the di dee o blow ye winds hi-ho I can see how in some circles that would be considered snore music..." - Spider John - "You're not just telling us what we want to hear?" "No sir no way" "Because we just want to hear the truth." "Well, then, I guess I am telling you what you want to hear" "Son, didn't we just tell you not to do that?" They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom For trying to change the system from within "We felt the effects of herb were so dangerous that it was better to lie to the American public to save them rather than tell them the truth" -- Partnership for a Drug Free America |*Real* programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween because DEC 25 = OCT 31 "What are politicians going to tell people when the Constitution is gone and we still have a drug problem?" -- William Simpson, A.C.L.U. "The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws." -Tacitus, 56-120 "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth And then when you try to get something done You just might find out that the equipment don't run - Allegany's Nuclear War, B.A.N.D.I.T.S. I'm not going out there Don't try to tell me I'm paranoid Wouldn't say I'm not scared, though it may be safe to say that I am annoyed Sitting and waiting and hoping to find Something you're good at to use up your time "We're going to OSI, Mars, and Pluto; but not necessarily in that order" "These is not art to me, all these squares and things. Real art has, you know, like a madonna in it." - Unknown (from the guest book at an exhibition of modern art) "Hi - I'm a member of MA - Masochists Anonymous. How may I hurt me?" - tina "The living dead don't NEED to solve word problems." "I never liked physics - all the problems were about trains going through tunnels at the speed of light" - Moof "Physics - you got a vector going this way, you got a vector going that way, they cancel each other out - what's the problem?" - Moof's chemistry prof Most calculus problems are totally useless, as in 'Mr. Smith has a cone-shaped swimming pool in his back yard...' to which the only logical answer is 'Mr. Smith was *severely* ripped off.' 'An applicant for federal employment read the question on an employment form: "Do you favour the overthrow of the government by force, subversion or violence?" He thought it was a multiple choice question and answered "violence"' - .sig of dgross@polyslo.CalPoly.EDU (Dave Gross) No Radiation Without Representation Nuclear dudes, open up your ears You'll start a war that'll last for years.... - Won't Take Take Take It, B.A.N.D.I.T.S. We explained they were trying to kill us - They explained we were just being bad sports - Give Mother A Chance, B.A.N.D.I.T.S. We'll call it 'Install Dump In Our Town'... - Allegany's Nuclear War, B.A.N.D.I.T.S. And if the road ever reaches that fork Then just like a bottle spittin' out it's cork Just like tradin' some old rotten slab of pork We might just haul down the flag of the State of New York - Allegany's Nuclear War, B.A.N.D.I.T.S. "Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." - Dan Quayle, August 11, 1989 - Louie: "Jim, where've you been?" Jim : "I don't work weekends" Louie: "You've been gone *nine days*" Tony : "Jim, weekends are only *two* days" Jim : "Oh... I thought we changed over to the metric system" "A curse on you, and all your ancestors!" - Ed Norton "He was doing things in C that I didn't know you could *do* in C... and when I checked, I found out you *couldn't* do them, they were compiler bugs, it just happened to work that way..." - Moof "I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant" "In future you should delete the words crunchy frog and replace them with the legend crunchy raw unboned real dead frog!!" Snahzhd: To be purr/drooled by a cat - a Moof Def We are the Coffee Generation 'cause we can't afford cocaine - "Should we format the diskettes all at once?" "OK, but only six fit in the slot at one time!" "When I loaded all my programs into memory and turned the machine off, they were still there; how do I get them out?" "...a marketing breakthrough!" - Wojo: "I believe something happens after you die..." Dietrich: "Yeah, you rot." "Think of it as evolution in action" Elvis is Everywhere And the Anti-Elvis - Michael J. Fox, who has *no* Elvis in him at all! First we take Manhattan; then we take Berlin.... I have tried, in my way, to be free "There comes a time when you must grab the bull by the tail and face the situation." - W. C. Fields. Oh let us go a-Ramboing among the live grenades... Your father may be father to all the boys in town but still He's not the one who sired you so marry who you will "Life's too short to paint on sh*tty paper" - Sue Nill-Kidera "I dreamed Louis Armstrong was trying to kill me!" And hey, ain't it strange, how some things never change and ain't it strange how nothin' stays the same I've learned to accept and not to expect the respect and neglect that I get But if you close the door I'll never have to see the day again -"'Whoops' is when you accidentally stumble... into an elevator shaft... 'Whoops' is when you accidentally go skinny dipping... in a school of pirahnas. 'Whoops' is when you accidentally douche... with Drano. This wasn't a 'Whoops'. This was a ARRRARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!" "Oh my God.... what am I going to do.... with the beer can...?" "DEC's All-In-1 isn't completely useless, but it's a nice attempt." - someone's .sig "So, tina, how do you like being in a drunk full of room people?" - Joe Batsh*t? We don't need no stinkin' batsh*t! "Can I get you anything...? Soup?" "Every time I wear my green blouse Geordie drools on it" - Elf (referring to the cat, but I didn't know that) - tina: i can never remember that author david palmer Elf : Oh, I always think of Robert Palmer... tina: the golfer? Elf : No, he's a musician! tina: oh, right, i was thinking of jack nicholson... IKJGOD36722A - LOGON TERMINATED - VM BIGOT ATTEMPTED LOGON - John Voigt "That's your whole god-damn raison d'etre, ain't it?" - "That's your whole god-damn raison d'etre, ain't it?" - Nathan Arizona "That's your whole god-damn bag of Raisinets, ain't it?" - Moof "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb" - the real Batman "No time for that now, Robin!" "The major difference between girls and boys is that girls grow up" - Barbara Z. Banks "You know, the Disney books are now outselling the bible, world-wide? It's nice to know that the two top-selling book-things are both fantasy" - Elwin "Surploofooity" - Barbara Z. Banks "Gee, the Captain's vanished utterly so we'd better beam down the second-in-command to exactly the same coordinates to see what happened to him!" It's good old General Guinness, he's a soldier strong & stout A girl who thinks she should have something extreme "If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be 'crunchy', now would it?" I suffer something awful each time you go it's much worse when you're near... Six o'clock in the morning and I'm stepping through the streets Pavement's cold and empty Got the blues beneath my feet.. "When that happens, you're gonna be measuring response time in furlongs per parsec" - Marty King "Facts are stupid things" "One never knows, do one?" "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak is busy thinking up something else" - Lily Tomlin Captain Jack was a young man when he went to sea Steel and mail and gilded crossbow Wide as wonder, tall as starlight... Trade your life for not believing "Is it heavy?" - Andy Potter, referring to the heaviest piece of the IBM CPU. - "What is Mr. Einstein *really* like?" "Dead." "Is that your real hair?" "Weird." - "Tell me, is Mitch by any chance adopted?" "Why, no." "Amazing!" "Isn't it?" - "It's coherent light" "Oh, so it talks" "How do you restore SYS1.LINKLIB?" - Gweeb " RETURN (14,12),RC=:-) END " - Mike Ellwood "nostalgia isn't what it's going to be, distributed data is a dropped card deck, happiness is an illegal SVC..." - Mike Ellwood "I heard a noise... let's split up and investigate!" "It teaches you about people, rather than about God & Jesus & all those other mythical things" - Elf, on Unitarianism -"I'll be back" "Only as a rerun" "Then the cameraman shook the camera, causing Dr. McCoy to stick himself with a syringe" - Elf "It has raisins in it.... you *like* raisins..." "I let him go" "Stick around" "A keyboard... how quaint..." -"...the collected works of Jacqueline Susann, or Harold Robbins..." "ahh... the giants..." Can you feel the power? "Probably just some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise in the middle of the night through eel-infested waters" "When in doubt, overdo" - Albert Benjamin "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" "Get used to disappointment" "Iocaine. I'd bet my life on it." - Max: "I'll call the brute squad" Fezzik: "I'm on the brute squad" Max: "You *are* the brute squad!" "Would you classify that as a launch problem, or a design problem?" "Like shooting ducks in a barrel" "20 points higher than me, and he thinks a big guy like that will fit into his clothes" "I guess you'll hammer later" "You're laborers! You should be laboring!" "You're out. Give me a dollar" "Have a cherry..." "You're not even interesting enough to make me sick" It's a dead man's party, leave your body at the door Friction and harmony who is gonna ride with me When the night comes I cannot sit still you see "Death, especially to the person who has just experienced it, is not funny" A worrisome thing that'll leave you to sing the blues in the night "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains." "Let's plan more spontaneous things" "I hope Mom likes this newspaper here on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere" "Musta been a BARGE going through!" - Patron: "God hates you for telling fortunes" Ed Becker: "Which one? and, if we sacrifice a goat to him, will it make him happy?" Just when you least expect it, just what you least expect We care a lot about Transformers cause there's more than meets the eye Step into forever on the bright side of the sun... "Up the voltage" "Kent, you don't get to use my first name" "I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, 'I drank *what*?'" Lad, I dinna where ye been, but I see ye took first prize! I couldn't do it meself, but me sister she can Excuse me, sir, could you tell me how to get to the real world? Cause I've been hung up on dreams I'm never gonna see... I can deal with the big, green, glow-in-the-dark house on the hill But you should see that thing go in & out with the tide! Tighten up your shorts, pilgrim, and sing like the Duke Blow it out your hairdo, cause you work at Hardee's! It will remind you of old-fashioned lace; a glass of wine to greet your smiling face Get out of the road if you wanna grow old Dreams unwind, love's a state of mind I am still in touch with your presence dear... Jellyfish Heaven is a lot like LA I wanna be a Flintstone Once in a dream, far beyond these castle walls... $HASP000 OK, DEAR We crashed a thousand yards below I said "Do it again, do it again" If I don't explain what you ought to know You can tell me all about it on the next Bardo Here are we - one magickal moment from Kether to Malkuth "Standards are great - everyone should have one." "Sushi - good stuff, take it home, cook it up, tastes just like fish." .. "It's a Moral Imperative" "I'm standing here beside myself" "Nine out of ten computer science students who tried unix went back to men." - "You're Chris Knight?!?" "I hope so, I'm wearing his underwear." "A girl's gotta have *some* standards" You're too old to lose it; too young to choose it; and the clock waits so patiently on your song... You gotta put down the duckie if you wanna play the saxophone Wild women don't worry, wild women don't have the blues And though often I tried to raise him up, he lay till Sunday noon... All the strangers came today and it looks as though they're here to stay //GONEMSG DD DUMMY Meanwhile, lurking by a stone in the mud... Choke on this, you danceteria types! .... &^%$%^#$%$@#$..... I asked him his name, and he had to think! Stop it, Debbie, you're *embarrassing* me! "I do have a cause; it's obscenity...... I'm for it" Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow "For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision" Then you gentlemen can wipe off the grins from your face every building in the town will be a flat one By then the entire glee club had died... no big loss... I wonder if anybody'd think I'd flipped if I went to LA via Omaha? I met this guy, he drives a truck he can't tell time, but he sure can... drive Wave upon wave of demented avengers march cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream You know it really doesn't matter when you're buried in disguise... Careful with that axe, Eugene He's from Georgia, so he doesn't speak the language very well "Mess with the electric bill, and no beets for TWO months" "They make this cereal with marshmallow bits, too, but Mom won't buy it for me" "No, YOU were a blue-light special at K-Mart. Almost as good, and a LOT cheaper." "I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts" "Oops, my mistake, that was a Twisted Sister record." "Gene Simmons never had a personal computer when he was a kid." "Life is brief; art is long; patience is thin; thieves are thick." - Paul Jones "A bored hacker is a frightening thing" "Greetings, Dr. Falken, would you like to play a nice game of chess?" "Greetings, Mr. President. Shall we dust Moscow?" "At 5:45 a.m., Mr. Starkey was made aware that he had accidentally set his clock radio to a rap-music station" "Zoltar! Fetch Elvis' brain!" "Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?" CANNIBALS SHRINK SPACE ALIEN'S HEAD ROCK HUDSON HAS GONE STRAIGHT IN THE AFTERLIFE everything stopped - nothing else mattered... NUCXLOAD VMFCLEAR (ENDCMD Do i=1 to 24; "CP SET PF"i "IMMED #CP LOGOFF"; end "BBBBBBLLLLLLLAAAAAAAMMMMMMOOOOOO!!!!!" - MVS "Go for it!" "No, I didn't change anything!" - almost everybody "Hey Bob, think there are any bears in this old cave?" "I dunno, Jim, let's take a look!" "I'll be back." /Bumpersticker PostScript (heart) eq {honk} if def "Tongue of toad, newt so greeny, Turn this dude into zucchini!" "I need a computer!" "To store things in, or to pile things on?" COWS ARE UFO ALIENS "23 Tequila Fanny-Bangers. Why?" "We're holding Elvis Presley's brain hostage on Planet Zort. Surrender Now." "I felt like I was in the Kentucky Derby - riding Mr. Ed" - Chuck Mangione "Old age is not for sissies" - my grandfather "'Our friend the amphetamine' or, 'Why Johnny Can't Blink'" "Toaster ovens! Did you hear me? Programmable toaster ovens!" "Conscientious hackers always program a little 'moral hesitancy' into their equipment... but only a little" I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt? STATUE OF ELVIS FOUND ON MARS ARMY OF 80-POUND MICE WILL OVERRUN THE EARTH, WARNS TOP SCIENTIST >From a small aeroplane you can see the sea Lots of blue - very deep blue... some think it so haunting to be drawn to the cemetery ground "They say, 'How can you be tired? *I* slept all night'" - Barbara Z. Banks, on working 3rd shift "Welcome to the f***ed" - A. Potter "The COBOL compiler must be broken - my program won't compile!" and the river of green is sliding unseen beneath the trees laughing as it passes through the endless summer making for the sea... "I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal" "he's brilliant, even though he wears plaid and has sideburns..." - yuba (aka tina) - Hobbes: "Shouldn't we read the instructions?" Calvin: "Do I LOOK like a sissy?" "I've see *that* look before -'Welp, there goes another bunch of souls right down the terlet'" - Bill French "The sixties were good to *you*, lady" "I don't know how many votes Johnny needs!" - Chicago's Mayor Daley during the 1960 presidential election, when asked why the Illinois vote wasn't in yet. "......BING!....." - Rollerina