Back at OSU-CIS, I'd usually have a few quotes in my .plan file. So, in reverse-chronological order, here are some highlights from the past several years. Quotes: The Lorax said nothing, just gave me a glance... just game me a very sad, sad backward glance... as he lifted himself by the seat of his pants. And I'll never forget the grim look on his face when he heisted himself and took leave of this place, through a hole in the smog, without leaving a trace. And all that the Lorax left here in this mess was a small pile of rocks, with the one word... "UNLESS." Whatever that meant, well I couldn't guess. -- Drs. Seuss and Adelstein say goodbye to CIS (I'll miss the Trulfala trees...). "I was getting obscene phone calls from a man who said he wanted to cum on my eyelid. What do you know, he goes to all the trouble to harass me and he's not even original." -- and I thought I was cynical; NYC has taken its toll. "These aren't CS students...they're computer literacy students. They come from fields where women don't have to be ugly to be admitted to the program." -- ever wonder why there's low enrollment for women in science fields...? "You can't solve all of the world's problems." -- faculty member expresses the sentiment which is why things don't happen at CIS. "That's DOCTOR Asshole, to you." -- Dr. Kris Boone gives Frank advice. "I read the news today, oh boy... About a lucky man who'll graduate Although the news was rather sad Well I just had to laugh He left for Intergraph" "We've been over this ground before, of course, but my only working theory is that those that can, don't attend OSU." -- two pearls from the wisdom of Loofie. "You don't understand. For the past three years, we've been making our living off of complaining about how bad DOS is." -- Moof is oddly disappointed to learn of the beginning of the end of DOS. "It's like being on the Titanic, you know." -- Eric Osborne gives his opinion of the dept. "I feel like whining." -- spoken (not whined) by Tanya Wagner. "I'm closing this [request] because it's been open for five years and the chances of it getting fixed are about zero. If someone still wants to see this addressed, it seems appropriate that a new request be generated." -- Mike Moore, PR #2203, a.k.a. how things get fixed at CIS. "Let me know if I'm not explaining things unclearly." -- there is more truth in his words than Frank suspects. "She went to the gynecologist yesterday. Gyno asked her what we are doing for birth control. She answered quizzically/caustically: What? A newborn ISN'T ENOUGH?!?!?" -- it's not just sleep that Pierce isn't getting these days. "It's hard enough to keep up in the research world with a first rate lab staff supporting your work. With a dysfunctional one... well, I guess we're all finding out what happens." -- another vote of confidence from faculty. "I assume we will use the Suns this year. Next year, DOS looks like an option." -- confidence in our systems expressed by a faculty member. "I was hoping that things would magically right themselves on the HPs." -- Mary Beth Lohse wins 'wishful thinking of the month' award. "The word 'spine' is, of course, an anagram of 'penis.' This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about 'standing erect.' -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guild to the Galaxy". "Fork-stabbing and wife-beating are, of course, an accepted and glorified part of my culture." -- Neel Jain. "Moe is their leader." -- Homer contemplates the 3 Stooges. "I'm at a Holiday Inn sipping coffee, eating pecan pie, watching a "tit" movie, and working on my slides. I'm not sure how the priorities work out here..." -- a certain someone enjoys mobile computing. "Breakfast this morning consisted of a big bowl full of Reeses Peanut Butter Puffs Cereal. My life is now complete." -- Tom appreciates the life's simple pleasures. "You look like Rush Limbaugh." -- waitress at Friendly's to Mowgli; he wasn't pleased. "Over $200 he's spent on 'Magic: The Gathering' and I have yet to see flower: one." -- Henn: Lisa's view on spending priorities (sorry John). "We sort of didn't pay the last 3 months rent. I mean, look at it this way: we lived there for 5 years. We paid rent for 57 out of those 60 months. Why that's more than...50%! [...] So I took my car in to get an estimate before we moved. I told them I had no money so do NOT do the repairs. When I went back to them, they had replaced the alternator and several other things and wanted $350. They forced me. What else could I do? So I wrote them a check, with absolutely nothing in the account behind it to pay for the check and we left the next day. So I got the car repaired...for FREE." -- Markman Economics gone awry. "OH MY GOD! He's like some ... non-...giving-up...school type guy!" -- Bart's feeble vocabulary to the rescue, when being pursued by Principal Skinner. "Flame all you want; mine's still bigger." -- Tom expresses the essence of Usenet. "The shortest distance between two points in our environment IS the end run-around." -- ok, a disgruntled quote returns... Headline: "Two indicted for Holcomb's murder" Quote from article: "Holcomb has been released from the hospital and lives in the campus area with a friend" -- The Lantern (OSU student newspaper), Thurs, July 14, 1994. "Philosophy is useless, theology is worse." -- "Industrial Disease", Dire Straights, LOVE OVER GOLD. "For the last time, conscience calls, For a good friend, I was never there at all." -- "Fall Down", DULCINEA, Toad The Wet Sprocket. "And big files don't scare us at the X Consortium at all." -- Stephen Gildea of the X Consortium. (truer words were never spoken) [I'm told, rightly so, that the theme of this month seems to be Frank's disgruntled .plan. I'll see if I can re-gruntle it some.] "And in my opinion, you can take all of this horseshit about the paper being afraid of protests or criticism, or being racist and ignoring stories about minority groups, and... Oh, never fucking mind. Get bent." -- Damon Taylor, campus editor for OSU's paper "The Lantern" responds to criticism. And they wonder why the paper is held in such "esteem"? "It would take a *lot* of convincing for me to hire a recent OSU grad for a programming project [...] I just think the department is doing a lousy job of educating the students." -- an anonymous teacher's view of things. "We're doing little enough for the fee-payers as is." -- anonymous computer committee member on what students get for their money. "If you want to be really mean to someone, you should say, 'UN-fuck you!'" -- Dustin Hoffman as Lenny Bruce, in "Lenny". "You cannot kill time without injuring eternity." -- the fortune program. "It's hard to get excited about the computing resources in CIS anymore. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm so sick of the mail fuckups, news slowdowns, printer daemon crashes, and the ridiculous response time on my SLC that I could puke. I've reported the problem 3 times now. If they like restoring my mail file over and over, fine." -- how problems get resolved and users get pissed. "Try new Kurt Cobain Brand Sleepy-Time Herbal Tea" -- heard on the radio. "Protest Condoms Insurance Industry" -- headline to The Lantern, page 1, Feb. 18th, 1994. "I just got my hair cut, and now I can't get it to do what I want. I want it to type." -- Paula Poundstone. [from a Perl script excerpt] # XXX hardwired $AF_SOCKET, $SOCK_STREAM, 'tcp' # but who the heck would change these anyway? "I half-wanted to send him mail saying, 'Sun did, you stupid fuck,' But I didn't." -- JRM expresses his view of hard coding constants. "I'm thinking of getting a dog so it can die..." -- Neel Jain, wondering how it could get worse. "It occurred to me that this is someone that I used to think of as a friend." -- J "But *remember*... I'm a sensuous modern woman, and while I don't think the size of a man's orgasm is important, I *do* insist on multiple penises. I suppose I'm that Cosmo girl." -- "Sex, with Ginda Bojeffries", Moore/Parkhouse. "Same person. No difference really. Just a different sex." -- Orlando, ORLANDO. Picture this: After a long, hectic, drizzling, overcast day, you decide to have a nice afternoon pick-me-up of hazelnut coffee and a blueberry muffin. Stopping at a convenience store, you mix cream and joyful java into a styrofoam cup, grab the baby-blue, dart back through the rain to your car where the seat is pushed to recline, stereo tuned to reflective sounds, and a little heat to warm the bones. Just a quiet interlude in a busy, worrisome day. Finishing off the smooth joe, you lift the cup only to glimpse that something has been statically attracted to it. The unmistakable coil of a pubic hair meets your gaze. It is not hard to realize it does not belong to you. It does not belong on the bottom of your finished cup. It simply does not belong. But it is there. As the raindrops stream down your windshield, you, for the first time, feel a solid connection to Justice Clarence Thomas. -- Swati S. [just when my mail had been getting boring] "She's been diagnosed by some stupid fuck and mommy agrees." -- "Why Go", Pearl Jam, TEN. "I hate HP!" -- Tami King. [I'm surprised it took so long to see the light.] "Wouldn't you try to slow up the squigglies, just a little bit?" -- Henn on, well, uh, 'squiggly slowing.' "How do you spell "gerbil?" "g-e-r-b-i-l. Need to know how to spell 'electrical tape' now?" -- Tom has the edge over computer spelling checkers. Time for Dave Barry's view on worms: ...such as golf courses, where the worms come to the surface at night to breed and smoke cigarettes. No, I'm kidding about the smoking. Worms aren't that stupid. As any traffic-safety professional will tell you if he has been drinking, worms on the highway are a recipe for disaster. Suppose a crowded tour bus is tooling along a Canadian highway at a metric speed of 130 hectares per centigram, the unsuspecting passengers chatting away happily in Canadian ("Eh?" "Eh?" "Eh?") when suddenly their laughter turns to screams ("EHHHHH!!!") as the bus encounters a giant worm slick and spins, out of control, off the road, and the passengers are hurled out of doors and windows, landing in the Canadian woods, injured and moaning ("ehhhhh"), unable to protect themselves from wild mooses pooping on them or sadistic beavers repeatedly tail- slapping their faces. -- Dave Barry's column 7/18/93 (aren't brief excerpts legal?) "The food is great, the women beautiful (and cheap), and prices affordable." -- a now unnamed friend from my UMich days's view on Thailand. "Pack mules aren't happy unless they're carrying something." -- Camilo. "I've got worms on my schwein!" -- "Deep Sympathy". "I don't like it, because it's techno-babble." -- Tom Fine (how's that for recursion?). "[That leather couch was] like too cool for John to have had." -- a good definition of a left-handed compliment. "I guess that maybe HPs are evil." -- Tami King begins to understand the Truth. "You are good at domestic duties and will be happily married." -- a Fine fortune seen in a fortune cookie. "Fuck all that we got to get on with these." -- "Not Now John", Pink Floyd, THE FINAL CUT. "I'm not offended by the bitmap though I AM offended that I can't wear a bikini like that." -- anonymous opinion on offensive bitmaps. "Breyer's is good, but Ben and Jerry's is 'condomless.'" -- a new golden standard for excellence. "What an incredible conception! Teeth, teeth and more teeth." -- Harold Fine (Peter Sellers), "I Love You Alice B. Toklas". "Who coined the phrase 'to coin a phrase?'" "I don't know. Probably the same person who tried to create a metaphor." -- conversation between Frank and Loren. "Her handwriting is awful!" "No it's not, it's just too good for words." -- I thought 'girl handwriting' was supposed to be legible. Guil: What's the first thing you remember? Ros: Oh, let's see. . . . The first thing that comes into my head, you mean? Guil: No--the first thing you remember. Ros: Ah. ... No, it's no good. It's gone. It was a long time ago. Guil: You don't get my meaning. What is the first thing after all the things you've forgotten? Ros: Oh I see. I've forgotten the question. -- Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, Tom Stoppard. "If you don't get a goodnight kiss, you have Kafka dreams." -- Hobbes (the tiger). "When I started managing the Tools group it was primarily females and one of the names we considered was Tools and Applications - for obvious reasons we picked another name!" -- Gwen Rachlin. And in the spirit of this season, it's time to present Frank's Satanic Quote Corner ATLANTA (UPI) -- They had been neighbors for over 40 years and friends at one time, but now Robert Spearman, 76, is on trial for murder, charged with slaying 74-year-old William H. Summerlin in an argument over grass clippings. Spearman, a retired assistant pastor of St. Philip's AME Church, told police that ``God took over. I couldn't take it anymore. I shot Mr. Summerlin because he blew grass onto my driveway.'' The shooting happened on July 30, 1992. Seen on a bumper sticker on a car: Islam -- the religion of peace and happiness. [if that's not a straight line asking for a punch line, what is?] "It ain't necessarily so-- The things that you're liable To read in the Bible-- It ain't necessarily so." -- Ira Gershwin, PORGY AND BESS. "The temptations of God were always more dangerous for mankind than those of Satan." -- Arthur Koestler, Darkness At Noon. "I was shocked. They weren't interested in science at all! The only way science was influencing their lives was so they might be able to interpret better the Talmud! They weren't interested in the world outside, in natural phenomena; they were only interested in resolving some question brought up in the Talmud. ... It really was a disappointment. Here they are, slowly coming to life, only to better interpret the Talmud. Imagine! In modern times like this, guys are studying to go into society and do something -- to be a rabbi -- and the only way they think that science might be interesting is because their ancient, provincial, medieval problems are being confounded slightly by some new phenomena." -- Richard Feynman, Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman. "Jesus was the only one that ever raised the dead" The Misfit continued, "and He shouldn't have done it. He thrown everything off balance. If He did what He said, then it's nothing for you to do but throw away everything and follow Him. And if He didn't, then it's nothing for you to do but enjoy the few minutes you got left the best way you can -- by killing somebody or burning down his house or doing some other meanness to him. No pleasure but meanness," he said and his voice had become almost a snarl. -- Flannery O'Connor, "A Good Man Is Hard to Find". "Never go swimming. ... You can play basketball, but never play full court basketball." -- The Mormon Missionary Handbook. "Christmas is celebrated in Japan, but with a slightly different flavor. There is the usual commercialization [...] lots of christmast trees, street lights, fake snow, and so on. But to young Japanese, Christmas Eve has a special significance -- it is THE night to get laid." -- a now unnamed friend from my UMich days. "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell." --St. Augustine "Doug says when Jesus comes into your heart you start crying and rays of light come all around you. Doug says compared to Jesus, acid is nothing." --Maybonne from _Ernie_Pook's_Comeek_ "If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him." -- Cardinal de Richelieu "It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it's the part that I do understand." -- Mark Twain. Rosewater was on the next bed, reading, and Billy drew him into the conversation, asked him what he was reading this time. So Rosewater told him. It was THE GOSPEL FROM OUTER SPACE, by Kilgore Trout. It was about a visitor from outer space, shaped very much like a Tralfamadorian, by the way. The visitor from outer space made a serious study of Christianity, to learn, if he could, why Christians found it so easy to be cruel. He concluded that at least part of the trouble was slipshod storytelling in the New Testament. He supposed that the intent of the Gospels was to teach people, among other things, to be merciful, even to the lowest of the low. But the Gospels actually taught this: Before you kill somebody, make absolutely sure he isn't well connected. So it goes. The flaw in the Christ stories, said the visitor from outer space, was that Christ, who didn't look like much, was actually the Son of the Most Powerful Being in the Universe. Readers understood that, so, when they came to the crucifixion, they naturally thought, and Rosewater read out loud again: Oh boy--they sure picked the wrong guy to lynch that time! And that thought had a brother: "There are right people to lynch." Who? People not well connected. So it goes. The visitor from outer space made a gift to Earth of a new Gospel. In it, Jesus really was a nobody, and a pain in the neck to a lot of people with better connections than he had. He still got to say all the lovely and puzzling things he siad in the other Gospels. So the people amused themselves on day by nailing him to a cross and planting the cross in the ground. There couldn't possibly be any repercussions, the lynchers thought. The reader would have to think that, too, since the new Gospel hammered home again and again what a nobody Jesus was. And then, just before the nobody died, the heavens opened up, and there was thunder and lightning. The voice of God came crashing down. He told the people that he was adopting the bum as his son, giving him the full powers and privileges of The Son of the Creator of the Universe throughout all eternity. God said this: Form this moment on, He will punish horribly anybody who torments a bum who has no connection! [...] "Jesus--if Kilgore Trout could only write!" Rosewater exclaimed. He had a point: Kilgore Trout's unpopularity was deserved. His prose was frightful. Only his ideas were good. -- "Slaughterhouse Five", Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. "The key to success for Oral Exams is complete control of all sphincter muscles." -- Frank. "I kind of doubt that I'll develop another vocal chord nodule in the middle of my oral exams." "Unless it's some kind of hysterical nodulation." -- Catherine gives Frank some medical advice. "Queen of Light took her bow And then she turned to go, The Prince of Peace embraced the gloom And walked the night alone." -- Led Zeppelin, "The Battle Of Evermore." "Everybody's so different, I haven't changed." -- Joe Walsh, "Life's Been Good." "It's warm. It's quite warm. It BETTER be DAMN warm!" -- Lisa Boucher demonstrates positive attitude is essential for Antarctic survival (especially with regard to homemade snow forts). "What the hell is that...a breast tree? Holy shit, it is!" -- heard while viewing Allegro Non Troppo. "The smell of garbage and urine is stronger in the summer." -- a description of New York City. "Don't nobody want no Greg and Frank!!! " -- upset anonymous wrong number (on answering machine) "...(mutter mutter) if YYDEBUG equals true then (mutter mutter) else if YYDEBUG equals false then..." "Yuck...sounds like you're been working with yacc." "Whywhy do you ask that?" -- the problems of spending too much time debugging. "Dan Quayle singing: Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O...E." -- Marv Albert, on Letterman. "Someone has to be the gadfly." "I'd prefer to see the faculty and parts of the grad student community get their heads out of their asses, but I suppose the vacuum created by their lack of brains creates too much suction for that to happen. Hmmm, I don't suppose I should put that one in my .plan." -- No, but I'll put it in mine. Here's mud in your eye... "I can't dance, I can't talk" -- GENESIS. "Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying." -- "Comfortably Numb", PINK FLOYD. "My word's but a whisper, your deafness a SHOUT." -- "Thick As A Brick", Jethro Tull. "I cannot make a single sound as you scream." -- "Red Rain", Peter Gabriel. "I don't want to/can't talk about it!" -- me. "Oh, well I confuse the movies 'Me and him' and Roger and Me.'" "Well...they both do contain talking penises." -- Frank and Doug, everyone's a critic. "Hardware is a lonely life." -- an observation by Lisa Henn. "Lend me your ear while I call you a fool." -- "Witch's Promise", Jethro Tull. "92.3!!! Where the more you listen, the later it gets!!!" -- radio station promo in Indiana. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU EAT LIKE THAT...dSALAD/dt, dSALAD/dt, dSALAD/dt!!!" -- Terri, in her math major phase. "Knowledge is power! Power is a chick magnet!" -- an now unnamed friend from my UMich days. "How many of them hormones have you been taking, honey?" -- Jessica Tandy to Kathleen Bates, "Fried Green Tomatos". "You know...it IS only funny until someone pokes their eye out." -- Camilo's commentary after Tom heads to the Emergency Room, eyeball in hand or hand on eyeball. "If he's stupid enough to take off his pants, I'll let him." -- anonymous "It's like the female version of male menopause." -- JRM. "May the smiles of the Duchess fall upon your enemies." -- Neel. "The cray is DAMN slow!!!" -- Lisa Henn "We fear change ." -- Garth. "We don't need no syncing file systems!" -- spoken while the hardware implementation of the 'fasthalt' command is being used (i.e. power switch). "How come dolphin skin doesn't prunify like human skin?" -- one of life's great questions that stump Pierce and Frank. (this months subject [Feb.] is food...) "How can someone ever NOT be hungry?" "Do you know the meaning of the word 'bloat'?" "Yes, after every meal...but what's that have to do with things." -- Frank doesn't want pizza, Camilo does. "My god, I'm talking to the poster child for Hostess." -- Frank makes a grisly discovery about Tom's secret identity, up by the 4th floor vending machines. "The bloat...turned ugly." "Where have all my eating buddies gone?" -- Jim Kaplan laments the lack of people left who know how to properly "eat till you bloat." "You didn't believe me when I said that for a snack while he's cooking dinner he has a chicken." -- Jenny talks about pre-meal snacks (or meals). and of course, finally, when anyone ever talks about the taste of a strange new meat... "It tastes like chicken." " I feel like I'm in a vacuum cleaner bag." "You are, welcome to Cleveland." --Frank returns to the homeland. "If I can inflict a little pain during the afternoon, I sleep good at night." -- evil Dr. from The Muppet Movie. "If xlib is an unwanted pregnancy, the x toolkit is a rusty coat-hanger." -- someone who had to use X. "I am not cable T.V." -- Rob Mickey, not a 24-hour, 7 day a week channel. "Hmmm...he's nowhere to be found...especially if you don't look too hard." -- Greg Nichols. "YOU SHOULD HAVE STEPPED ON ME, DUMB-ASS!!!" -- John name-withheld-by-request-but-it- rhymes-with-Fudd's sagely volleyball advice. "The goldfish have grown to almost twice their size since we first got them. They're starting to look...tasty." -- Moof. "They encourage spontaneous radical measures and confrontations but only in the designated areas and with the politically correct content." -- review of "Paper Tiger" exhibit at The Wexner Center. "They called it 'shee-vah' or 'shi-vah' or something like that." "Why don't they just call it a 'wake'?" -- ask me and I'll explain it. "I hear they're going to be burying people on top of each other soon. That sounds like a much more interesting way of doing it, don't you think?" -- a relative. "If men are scum, then why do you want one?" "I want a chew toy." -- someone looking for a lasting, meaningful relationship. What Marc said: So, is your wife still gloating? What Jim heard: So, is your wife still bloating? What Jim said: Well...umm...err... "Aren't you going to kill me?" "What do you think I'm TRYING to do!?!" -- John and Terri, mid-violence (they're not brother and sister, they just act like it). "They're going to have problems, you realize." "Well, that goes without saying...which is why I didn't say anything." -- Frank and Tom on quick advice given to a novice at programming in C. "I've got an A [parking] sticker!" "Well, my sticker is cheaper!" "So, I make more money than you!" "Not for long!" -- an exchange between J and Lisa. "'Moof'? I picture someone like 'Lurch'." "You've met Moof; you wouldn't descrive him as Lurch, would you?" "No. I'd describe him as ... squishy." -- trying to convey the true meaning of Moof-dom to someone (3-way conversation). "I don't care where he gets his appetite, as long as he eats at home." -- wife of anonymous. "I am standing up at the water's edge in my dream, I cannot make a single sound as you scream." -- "Red Rain", Peter Gabriel. "...then I suppose it might be a good sign." "Kind of when your wild snake finally eats in captivity." "Is that a metaphor for something?" "Probably not the way you're thinking" -- a conversation with Frank and Jenny. "Some are satin, some are steel, some are silk and some are leather, They're the faces of the stranger, but we love to try them on." -- "The Stranger", Billy Joel. "Well, it's weird. I like him enough to feel sorry for him in his role as cosmic spittoon...but I don't find him so wonderful as to actually STOP making his life hell." -- concerned anonymous person. "You're not normal -- in the weird sense." -- Paul Kleine. "They didn't have any places for me to stay so they put me up at a golf course." "Oh. What hole?" "When I get motivated, I suppose I shall have to kill him." -- conversations with "The Mad Henn". "This is fun! Pity I don't have more time for this." "Why not?" "I have to explode in 75 seconds." -- The bomb and Doolittle from "Dark Star". "Would I turn on the gas if my pal Mugsy were in there?" "You might, rabbit, you might!" -- Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng). "I'VE BEEN ZUBBED!!!" -- me. "I was cured, all right." -- Alex, final line of A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. "And I'd rather be here, with all the madmen, Than perish with the sad men roaming free, And I'd rather play here, with all the madmen, For I'm quite content they're all as sane as me." -- "All the Madmen", David Bowie. "This is the strangest life I've ever known." -- "Waiting for the Sun", The Doors. "There comes a time when we all must look the potato of injustice in the eye." -- Stan, UHF. "Saying 'It's not as big as emacs' is like saying 'it's not as big as the planet Saturn.'" -- Mike Fortin. "When I get home, I jump in a taxi cab, driving through London town, to cry you a song." -- "Cry You a Song", Jethro Tull. "I thought you didn't drink." "Well, I've been meaning to start." -- Bob and George, UHF "I don't know who you are, but I'll shake your hand anyway." -- a sensitive, heartfelt comment from an asshole at a funeral. "I don't care if she's a towelboy in a Turkish prison." -- a comment from a loving, caring uncle. Sign #21 that you're a bit too much into jogging, when you say things like: "I went running and the lifesavers I had in my pocket turned to dust from the cold! I didn't think it was that bad..." "...and may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannabalism in the British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new ratings are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find toothmarks at all anywhere on their bodies, they're to tell me immediately so that I can immediately take every measure to hush the whole thing up. And finally, necrophilia is right out." -- Monty Python "I think the most affectionate thing he ever called me was 'little bitch'." -- anonymous "War child, dance the day and dance the night away." -- "War Child", Jethro Tull. "It's the end of the world and we know it, and I feel fine." -- "End of the World", R.E.M. "There were a lot of fools at that conference--pompous fools--and pompous fools drive me up the wall. Ordinary fools are all right; you can talk to them, and try to help them out. But pompous fools--guys who are fools and are covering it all over and impressing people as to how wonderful they are with all this hocus pocus--THAT I CANNOUT STAND! An ordinary fool isn't a faker; an honest fool is all right. But a dishonest fool is terrible! And that's what I got at the conference, a bunch of pompous fools, and I got very upset. I'm not going to get upset like that again, so I won't participate in interdisciplinary conferences any more." --"Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman", Richard Feynman. "Mad he was not, but in the seven thousand days and nights of imprisonment he had apparently become somewhat peculiar." -- Arthur Koestler, Darkness At Noon. "Some say the view is crazy but you may adopt another point of view." -- "Black Country Rock", David Bowie. "Though this be madness, yet there is a method in't." -- Polonius, "Hamlet". Frank's Helpul Winter Highway Driving Tips: 1) The white color on the grass on the median might not be from headlights. 2) If you see headlights in your lane facing you, odds have it there is a car pointing in the wrong direction. 3) If you see two sets of headlights in your lane facing you, odds have it there are two cars pointing in the wrong direction. 4) If you see lots and lots of headlights in your lane facing you, odds have it that your car is pointing the wrong direction.