From tokyo!satch%tokyo.tokyo.ingr.com@uunet.UU.NET Wed May 20 03:02:33 1992 Received: from relay2.UU.NET by mail.cis.ohio-state.edu (5.61-kk/5.911008) id AA07514; Wed, 20 May 92 03:02:31 -0400 Received: from ingr.ingr.com by relay2.UU.NET with SMTP (5.61/UUNET-internet-primary) id AA12962; Wed, 20 May 92 03:02:22 -0400 Received: by ingr.ingr.com (5.61/INGR-1.1) id AA04550; Wed, 20 May 92 02:07:06 -0500 Received: by tokyo.tokyo.ingr.com (5.61/1.910401) id AA05358; Wed, 20 May 92 14:27:54 -0500 Subject: Many, Many Quotes (fwd) To: frank@cis.ohio-state.edu (Frank Adelstein) Date: Wed, 20 May 92 14:27:48 CDT Reply-To: satch@tokyo.tokyo.ingr.com X-Mailer: ELM [version 05.00.01.20] Message-Id: <9205201427.AA05356@tokyo.UUCP> From: satch@tokyo.tokyo.ingr.com (Satch Chada) Status: RO Frank - Here is a bunch of quotes that you may find amusing.. -- Satch Forwarded message: > From uucp Tue May 19 09:30 CDT 1992 > From: ingr!jjm@jimm.b30.tokyo.ingr.com (Jim Macklow) > Message-Id: <199205181346.AA12362@jimm.b30.ingr.com> > Subject: Many, Many Quotes > To: satch@tokyo.tokyo.ingr.com (Satch Chada) > Date: Mon, 18 May 92 8:46:29 CDT > Reply-To: ingr!b30!jimm!jjm > X-Mailer: ELM [version 06.01.01.00 (2.3 PL11)] > > > To believe is to know you believe, and to know you > believe is not to believe. - Sartre > > ...Actually, FORTRAN was the language of choice for the same > reason that three-legged races are popular. > - Ken Thompson 1984 Turing Award Lecture > > One of these days I'm going to quit drinking and just drink at night > - unknown > > There's something goin' on > I know a good thing must end > but it's hard to take losing a friend - Berlin > > The world is filled with fools. They blindly follow their so-called > 'reason' in the face of the church and common sense. Any fool can > see that the world is flat! - anon. > > I need to love, but it comes out wrong > I try to live, But I don't belong > I close my eyes and I see Blood and Roses > > ...Then anyone who leaves behind him a written manual, and likewise > anyone who receives it, in the belief that such writing will be clear > and certain, must be exceedingly simple-minded - Plato > > I sat and laughed as the knife was twisted > It still hurts but the pain has shifted > I think about the time that has just slipped by > but I won't cry for the wasted years > > Your incontinent sphincter twitches anxiously at the mere > thought of my manly endowments. - Charles Forsythe > > Getting old is bad, but it beats the hell out of the alternative - anon. > > Some people want to get higher > Sometimes you gotta start low > Some people think you're gonna die some day > I got news you never got to go - Ted Nugent > > Sex and biology aren't necessarily the same thing; > I've HAD biology. - M. Singh > > Her eyes were cold and harsh ... which made them tough to chew. - Danno > > Make Love, Not War -- Be Prepared For Both > - Edelman's Sporting Goods [and Martial Aids?] > > You can appreciate the difference between dedication and commitment > whenever you see a plate of ham and eggs; the hen was dedicated, the > pig was commitmented. - unknown > > More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One > path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other to total > extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. > - Woody Allen > > Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality - Jules de Gualtier > > A reasonable man adapts himself to the world, an unreasonable one > persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all > progress is due to the unreasonable man. - G.B. Shaw > > A pig ate his fill of acrons under an oak tree and then started to root > around the tree. A crow remarked, `You should not do this. If you lay > bare the roots, the tree will whither and die.' `Let it die,' said the > pig. `Who cares so long as there are acrons?' - Anonymous > > Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad > judgement - Jim Horning > > All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially > attracts those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps > the hundreds of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually > focus on the end goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, > programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists. But however > the selection process works, the result is indisputable: "This time it > will surely run," or "I just found the last bug." > - Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month > > Message from god@console: > /dev/earth 98% full: please delete unwanted people > > Criticism makes an intellectual thoughtful, a cynic amused, > a simpleton angry, and the government confused. > > How's it goin', most royal ugly dudes? > Put them in the iron maiden! > Iron Maiden, Excellent! > Execute them! > Bogus... - Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure > > In addition I think science has enjoyed an extraordinary success > because it has such a limited and narrow realm in which to focus its > efforts. Namely, the physical universe. - Ken Jenkins > > ...text editing is strange, but nice > - supplementary unix docs, edit tutorial, page 6 > > I say I want to see you when you know I might not > And it makes me want you more when you hurt me alot - The Smitherines > > A computer's view of the world is analogous to a flashlight in the dark. > What they can see, they see well. What they can't see, they see not at all. > - M. Valvo > > Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. > - G.K. Chesterton > > Twist-off caps on beer are dangerous because they require that > you take both hands off the steering wheel. - Floyd R. Turbo > > If the world revolves around you, it means you have no latitude. > > He's such a hick, he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom. > > I met a girl at the Rainbow bar; > She asked me if I'd beat her. > She took me back to the Hyatt House > ... I don't want to talk about it. - Warren Zevon > > I was gambling in Havana > I took a litte risk > Send lawyers, guns, and money > Dad, get me out of this - Warren Zevon > > If you want to die, we're here to kill you ... > > A host is a host from coast to coast > And noone will talk to a host that's close > Unless of course that host that's close > Is busy, hung, or dead. > > Lint is the compiler's only means of dampening the programmer's ego. > > Its a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear - Norm > > I am going tomorrow where I shall find a man who has not one agreeable > quality, who has neither manner nor sense to recommend him. Stupid men > are the only ones worth knowing, after all. - Jane Austen > > The world is a place where people go to die - Henry Rollins > > Hard to say Ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused. - Calvin > > The television screen is the retina of the mind's eye. - Prof. Brian O'Blivion > > Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more user > friendly. Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old > brochures, and stamp the words, "User Friendly" on the cover. - Bill Gates > > Brother John, saw visions of God, > so they put him in chains for working too hard, > As the crowd shouted, 'Off with his head,' > the priest said, 'Have mercy, let's burn him instead' - Todd (Utopia) > > Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. > Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx > > Now Hiring: untouched field of research. 5 years experience required. > > I wish I was in Tijuana, eating barbecued iguana > > I don't know if I am going to heaven or hell, > I just hope God grades on a curve. > > Jesus Saves!... Gretzky gets the rebound. He Shoots. He SCOOORES!!! > > The blinds were drawn, but the furniture was real. > > Hail to the Sungod. > He sure is a fun god. > Ra! Ra! Ra! > > Jesus saves sinners ... and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!!! > > Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, > abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. > > I was sitting in the Hollywood Hawaiian Hotel, listening to the air > conditioner hum. It went hmm hmmm hm hmm hm hmm hmm... - Warren Zevon > > Having is not as pleasing as wanting - Spock > > Anarchy - It's not a law, it's just a good idea > > Where's the ka-boom? There's supposed to be an Earth-shattering > ka-boom!...Heavens! Someone has stolen the Illudium Q-38 Explosive > Space Modulator! The Earth creature has *stolen* the Space Modulator! > > If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time. > - Lisa Simpson > > Comedy, thy name is Krusty. - Bart Simpson > > Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. > > Do something you hate, being miserable builds character - Calvin > > If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. - Quentin Crisp > > In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light." > And there was still nothing. But, you could see it. > > And you may die of the cold because the path that you have chosen > Has warmed your hands but not your heart, and left your cold soul frozen. > > Things should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler - Einstein > > The only thing that separates us from the animals is superstition > and mindless rituals. > > Reality is a leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. > > The Future isn't what it used to be. - An unknown teenager > > Waste is a terrible thing to mind. - J. Watt > > What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? > Adolecent males don't have a psychological need to ridicule pitbulls. > > 96.37% of the people who use statistics in arguments make them up. > > Hickory Dickory Dock, > The mice ran up the clock > The clock struck one > and the rest escaped with minor injuries! > > Yesterday I knew nothing, Today I know that. > > I got a Wire in my head and I like how it feels - Buck and the Tow Trucks > > People cause accidents... Accidents cause people... > > If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared not only to > retract it, but also to deny under oath that I ever said it. - T. Lehrer > > The most dangerous organization in America today is: > a) The KKK > b) The American Nazi Party > c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club > > The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics > is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people. > > All the clouds turn to words > All the words float in seqence > No one knows what they mean > Everyone just ignores them. > > Take a sniff... > ...pull it out... > the feeling goes right through you when you pop it in your mouth... > - Juicy Fruit gum commercial > > So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. > - Pall Mall Ad. > > We felt the effects of herb were so dangerous that it was better > to lie to the american public to save them rather than tell them > the truth -- Partnership for a Drug Free America > > It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it > is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. > It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. > -Oxford University Press, Edpress News > > An obstacle is what you see when you take your eyes off of the goal > > Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. - Foghorn Leghorn > > As subtle as a hand grenade in as barrel full of oatmeal. - Foghorn Leghorn > > It's a joke, son, I say it's a joke... - Foghorn Leghorn > > If this post is vile and offensive, it's a joke. > > If you find this post witty and good, it's my opinion. (which may ALSO > be a joke) > > On the other hand, what if there was a war and EVERYBODY came? > > He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke. > > He who smiles in the face of adversity has found someone to blame it on. > > I want to do for system administration what Jim Jones did for Kool-Aid. > > The definition of diplomacy is saying, "Nice doggie, nice doggie" until > you can find a big stick. - Will Rogers > > Girls are like slugs, they probably serve some purpose, > but it's hard to imagine what. - Calvin > > I weep for the future. - Host in resturaunt in Ferris Bueller's Day Off > > Fiber laxatives: a woman who takes one is truly a lady in waiting. > - TV commercial > > Mother died today. Or was it yesterday? > > In our unending quest to plumb the very depths of the pinacle of human > acheivment, we must never fear to go where the hand of man has never > set foot! > > Quantum Mechanics can explain everything except Madonna, Flame Wars, > and NASA's space Policy. We're working on the first two... > > Gentlemen, if we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. - D. Quayle > > What a terrible thing it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a > mind at all. How true that is. - Vice President Dan Quayle > Speaking at a meeting of the United Negroes College Fund > > Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. > > Now you listen and you listen good. I've got nothing to say and I'm > only going to say it once. - Casey Stengal to reporters > > Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out > they are another's. - Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1690 > > Welcome to my nightmare, I think you're gonna like it... - Alice Cooper > > Having sex without horniness is a greater expression of love. > -Fr. Paul Marx Human Life International Symposium on Human Sexuality > > I take bad girls, and turn them around - unknown > > Women's breasts are like Electric Train Sets: They're meant for kids, > but usually it's the fathers who wind up playin' with them. - unknown > > I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was > healthy right up to the time he killed himself. - Johnny Carson > > The Three Untruths of Today's Society: > 1) The Check is in the Mail > 2) I'll Still respect You in the Morning > 3) Hi, I'm from the Government and here to help. > > Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us > from achieving them. -- Dumas > > The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a > soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with > an idea. - from The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook > > SEX is like a pizza: > When it is good, it is excellent. When it is bad, it is still quite good. > > You can get more with a smile and a gun than you can with a smile. > > Commercials here have dancing cats, singing raisins and a little man > driving a boat in a toilet. And then they tell you, "Don't use drugs." > -- Yakov Smirnoff > > A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished. > > We were _not_ naked! We were wearing margarine. > > Life is short, brutish, and ugly, as am I. > > Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. > > Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of > person your spouse would have really preferred. > > I'm totally prepared for all sorts of emergencies > but rather useless in everyday life. > > I've tried to get in touch with my feminine side, but I have found that > its Ethel Merman. Its embarrasing, esp. at parties when she starts singing > "Everything is coming up roses"!! > > Sticks and stones may break my bones > but names CAN'T STOP MY CASH FLOW ! ! ! > > Here's to our friends the good guys, our enemies the bad guys, and the hope > that some day we may be able to tell the difference. - Retief's Ransom > > What is good, and what is not good Phaedrus? Need we someone to tell > us these things? > - from inner cover of _Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance_ > by Robert Pirsig > > God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire > > "Son, I just want you to know: life is a black, sucking, vortex of anguish and > dispair, filled with brief moments of false hope and empty joy, all the while > dragging you inevitably closer to final, absolute, and eternal death." > "thanks dad.." > > How many of you have kissed your wife goodbye when you left the house? > How many of you have kissed your house goodbye when you left the wife? > > For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum. > - J.W. Schopf > > Praise the humanities, my boy. That'll make them think you're broadminded! > - Winston Churchill > > All that exists is just and unjust and equally justified in both. > - Friedrich Nietzsche > > Ninety percent of life is just showing up. - Woody Allen > > Narrow halls surround my life. > Brashly malls mock my life. > Kill Me Now, end this strife. > > Part of this D minus belongs to God. - Bart Simpson > > When I think of you I touch myself > > Alive, occupying space, and exerting gravitational force > > Never let the facts interfere with your perception of reality. > > We steer like a sports car: I use opinions; the company uses the rack. > > Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. > > Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. > > Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to > have nothing whatever to do with it. - W. Somerset Maughm > > The difference between a psychosis and a neurosis? A psychosis is when you > think 2 + 2 are 5. A neurosis is when you know 2 + 2 are 4, but it worries > you. - anonymous > > "Recently I had to get married, cos I got me girlfriend into trouble. > I got her involved in the civil war in Angola. - Alexei Sayle > > We both like cats - of course, I prefer mine with a side order of fries... > - John Yeates > > Owning a cat is like keeping a tiny Republican for a pet. - unknown > > Death: to stop sinning suddenly. > > Once you give up your integrity, the rest is a piece of cake. - J.R. Ewing > > Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. - Dan Quayle > > If at first you don't succeed, erase all evidence of your attempt and > depart the scene > > I was on Alex's show the other day, and this woman calls in and asks, > "What's the difference between a hamster and a gerbil?" So I said > "I'm pretty sure there's more dark meat on a hamster." - Bob Goldthwaite > > Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime. > > The goal of all life is death. - Sigmund Freud > > The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; > and the pessimist fears this is true - James Branch Cabell > > Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. > > The probability of someone watching you is proportional > to the stupidity of your action. - anonymous > > It's not that I have a poor memory; I have a very good memory. > It's just that it's rather short... > > Republicans understand the importance of bondage between > mother and child. - D.Quayle > > I'd really like to change the world... > But they won't give me the source code. > > The will to kill, the will to be killed, and the will to die. > > "Anything that is true and good is transitory... like life." > They find that written on the mirror, about the time the body is > discovered in the tub. Art kills; life is death. > > Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world still laughs at you. > > A fanatic is one who cannot change his mind and will not change the subject. > - Winston Churchhill > > Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go > along learning more and more about less and less until they know > practically everything about nothing. - unknown > > Everything your mother said was good for you is bad for you. Sun, milk, red > meat, college... - Woody Allen > > All are insane but me and thee, and at times, thou seemeth a bit "strange" > - Shakespear > > A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else. - Dave Farber > > Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of. - David Moser > > Ask the lamb, it will neither understand that the wolf should devour it. > But ask the wolf what is the good of the lamb. "To feed me", he'll answer. > The weak the victim of the strong - that is nature. - The Marquis de Sade > > An improper mind is a perpetual feast. - Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946) > > Are saying I'm redundant, that I repeat my self, that I say things > over and over? > > Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive. > > N O T I C E : If you notice this notice, you will notice after > noticing this notice that this notice is not worth noticing. > > Promises are like penises: they are quick to come, hell to clean up after, > painful if broken, and they leave a bitter taste if swallowed. > > My normal statement is that buying these rifles is like buying a tiger. > They are hideously expensive, and feeding them is worse. Would you risk > letting it get hungry? > > Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations? > > 667 - The neighbor of the beast. > > A true friend always stabs you in the front - Oscar Wilde > > If you have not done these things, you should. > These things are fun, and fun is good. - Dr. Seuss > > A woman is like a bicycle: she should look good and move well > underneath you. > > If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? > We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. - A Deep Thought > > Turn back the sheets, boys, I'm headin' for the arms of Morpheus. - Mae West > > Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy > and bald and still think that she's attractive to the opposite sex. > - Earl Wilson > > It is better to be hated for what you are, > than loved for what you are not. - Andre Guide > > There is no law save do what thou wilt! - Aleister Crowley > > Morality is a mask worn by the weak to disguise their fear > > When you're up to your ass in alligators, it's hard to remember that your > initial objective was to drain the swamp. - Marine Corps Proverb > > If patience is a virtue, and ignorance is bliss, this explains why > so many people stand around looking stupid! > > Firepower is one shot that hits - Gen. Patton > > The heart has its reasons, whereof reason knows nothing. - Blaise Pascal > > The saddest words by tongue or pen. Are the words, "what might have been" > > Once you pull the pin out of Mr. Hand Grenade, he is no longer your friend. > > Compelling, yet tedious...I feel spent, like a man who is forced to wear > his genitals like a pendant. - Dieter, "Sprockets" > > Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not > become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also > looks into you. - Nietzsche > > If its got disks or tits, you'll have trouble! > > If Milli Vanilli fall in the woods, does someone else make a sound? > > "Cha, cha, cha!" I whispered merrily in Mary Ellen's ear, as I escorted > her stiff and lifeless body around the dance floor, proud of the envy I > aroused in the fellows who had always dreamed of being this close to the > once vibrant cheerleader, but more than a little ashamed of the means I > had to use to get this date. - from the 1988 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest > > A Chicken McNugget doesn't die any easier than a baby fur seal. - Ted Nugent > > Beer - now there's a temporary solution - Homer Simpson > > The road to hell is paved with the skulls of unbaptized infants... > > What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic > simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, > we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry > > To you, I'm an atheist. To god, I'm the loyal opposition. - Woody Allen > > It's not an adult feature unless someone's gooey at the end. - Bill Hicks > > Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. - Gore Vidal > > Body like a sewing kit, sex drive like a cauliflower > > To every man is given the key to the gates of heaven; > the same key opens the gates of hell - Buddhist proverb > > I have met the enema, and he is arse. > > In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people > very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams > > Your soul, my dear, is such a small price to pay for immortality... - simon > > To all the beautiful people out there: there are alot more of us than > there are of you. > > Sometimes you're the bug. Sometimes you're the windshield. > > And Remember: Silly is a state of mind, stupid is a way of life. > > It's always fun and games until someone loses an eye... Then it's a sport! > > The way to a man's heart is through his ribcage. > > When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro > > I AM a snowball in Hell > > in case of stares do not use fire > > wipes clean easily with a damp cloth > > do not adjust your set > > moving to Montana soon, gonna be a dental floss tycoon > > crashing by design > > stupidity, like virtue, is it's own reward > > enlarged to show texture > > DEC measures benchmarks with a calender > > Being Satan means never having to say you're sorry > > Well, if you didn't struggle so much, you wouldn't get rope burns. > > It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. > > I don't need to know how to read or write, I'm an Engineer. > > Lies persist. Truths must be recreated! > > Sax and Dogs and Rolling Rock > > Involuntary personal protein spill > > Women and elephants never forget > > Support mental health or I'll kill you > > 170 pounds of homogenized hatred > > Let speaking dogs lie > > if I could walk that way I wouldn't need talcum powder > > ._o > |> > 4 >