From: Frank Adelstein To: Amphitrion@aol.com, becky@maines.org, dison@wellington.org, eris@rochester.rr.com, faith@pdc.kth.se, golden@cs.uno.edu, jimkaplan@ncweb.com, kag7@cornell.edu, lisa@msn.fullfeed.com, moof@rochester.rr.com, mowgli@sprawl.com, pkrouse@tivoli.com, rob@maines.org, romig@net.ohio-state.edu, sking@cis.ohio-state.edu Subject: whoopie... Date: Mon, Apr 10, 2000, 9:55 AM Helped out with a birthday treasure hunt for a friend's kid. It was fun, especially since some of the clues were, well, not the most clear and easy (we were called nerds, geeks, and dorks, at various points in time, but I think it was in a positive way). Anyway, one of the prizes was a whoopie cushion. After gathering all his booty, Chris, the kid, tries it out, and it lets loose with quite a beauty of a ripper. A real wet "phhhhtthhhhhhhpppppttt!" Chris is inspired. I should mention he bares a resemblence to Calvin in both appearance and, on occasion, behavior. He reinflates it and is ready. He sets it down on the chair. He tenses up. You can see every fiber of his existence is ready, straining. He wants to fart the fart that could launch (or sink) 1000 ships. He wants to fart the ultimate fart. The farter's fart, if you will. He wants to go for the gold. He places his hands on both sides of the chair, his arms locked, his eyes focused on his one goal. A hush falls across the table, as they realize an event is about to occur. In an instant, he flings himself in the air and then using all his might, he forces himself down on the whoopie cushion. A single sound then fills the room. It is not as much of a fart as a: The look on his face was priceless. It couldn't have been better if he had shit himself. The horror of realizing that he made the cusion fart a fart that exceeded its structural limits was clear in his eyes. "Ohhhhh maaaaaaaaan!!!!!!!" A smell of ruptured rubber and defeat filled the room. Like Icharus, he had been foiled by his own ambition to seek the unatainable. "Once!?! It only worked once!!!! What a ripoff!!!" It took a while for some of us to be able to breathe again. Happy birthday, kid. It doesn't get any better than that. (read that sentence in any way you wish) --Frank.