From kallisti@VNET.IBM.COM Thu Jan 16 13:55:52 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["54724" "Thu" "16" "January" "1997" "13:39:27" "-0500" "Jen Beaven" "kallisti@vnet.ibm.com" nil "1257" "Fw: Steven Wright quotes" "^From:" nil nil "1" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from VNET.IBM.COM (vnet.ibm.com [199.171.26.4]) by cloyd.cs.cornell.edu (8.8.4/8.8.4/M-1.8) with SMTP id NAA04503 for ; Thu, 16 Jan 1997 13:55:46 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <199701161855.NAA04503@cloyd.cs.cornell.edu> Received: from RHQVM09 by VNET.IBM.COM (IBM VM SMTP V2R3) with BSMTP id 4801; Thu, 16 Jan 97 13:55:25 EST X-Mailer: IPERNOTE 01.05.40 dated 13 December 1996 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit From: "Jen Beaven (716) 723-4496" To: Moof , Frank , burkard@dtc.kodak.com Subject: Fw: Steven Wright quotes Date: Thu, 16 Jan 1997 13:39:27 -0500 (EST) *** Forwarding note of Thu, 16 Jan 1997 11:21:51 -0500 (EST/CDT) *** by glm@informationview.com Long but worth it. /jen -------------------------------------------------------------- Jen Beaven kallisti@vnet.ibm.com (716) 723-4496 ISSC SC-R CST 1630 Long Pond Rd. Rm 2A37 Rochester NY 14626 http://www.servtech.com/public/eris -------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - - - - - - F o r w a r d e d N o t e - - - - - - - - - - Received: from mailserver.performance.com by vnet.IBM.COM (IBM VM SMTP V2R3) with TCP; Thu, 16 Jan 97 11:23:38 EST Received: by mailserver.performance.com (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id LAA11773; Thu, 16 Jan 1997 11:19:59 -0500 Received: from ivserv1-adm(38.251.116.1) by mailserver via smap (V1.3) id sma011771; Thu Jan 16 11:19:39 1997 Received: from ivpc4.perftel.com by performance.com (5.x/SMI-SVR4) id AA13426; Thu, 16 Jan 1997 11:24:32 -0500 Message-Id: <9701161624.AA13426@performance.com> From: "Gregory L. Miller II" To: , , , , Subject: Fw: Steven Wright quotes Date: Thu, 16 Jan 1997 11:21:51 -0500 X-Msmail-Priority: Normal X-Priority: 3 X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1155 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit This is hysterical!!!!! I think you'll appreciate it. -Greg Subject: Steven Wright quotes Date: Thursday, January 16, 1997 11:05 AM > > You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling > asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you > notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. > > Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and > asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're > wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me > they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, > "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're > sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs > then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last > second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time." > > Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I > think I've forgotten this before. > > Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my > shadow. > > I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It > wasn't doing what I was doing. > > I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept > moving. > > I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right > in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. > > I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it > is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I > say, "I think I might have written that." > > When I'm in Champaigne, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, > and when I'm out of town... They mail it to me. > > He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not > right now." > > I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally > walk through into another dimension. > > I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize > that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm > getting all my premonitions as flashbacks! > > I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely > abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. > > My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going > to move to New York. > > I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes > longer. > > I like to skate on the other side of the ice. > > I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.) > > If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. > > Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. > Today I... No, that wasn't me. > Sometimes I... No, I don't. > > Is it weird in here, or is it just me? > > --- big picture --- > > A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the > entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, > "Wish you were here." > > Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, > and smile for a satellite picture. > > I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... > > Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way > to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it. > > I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, > "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I > also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. > People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". > > It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. > > Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. > > Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. > > You can't have everything. Where would you put it? > > I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it > on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it. > > It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died > they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. > > When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. > > --- banks --- > > I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They > said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." > > I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that > much time. > > --- museums --- > > I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from > the statues that are in all the other museums. > > I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... > Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. > > One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had > been done by children. They had all the paintings up on > refrigerators. > > --- movies --- > > Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my > own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are > outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time. > > One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me > $95. > > I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, > children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl." > > --- restaurants --- > > I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So > I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. > > I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big > buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what > kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor > to it. > > There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. > In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. > > I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I > was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up > outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, > these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, > because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the > inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get > dirty. > > --- stores --- > > I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything > specifically. > > I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the > aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman". > > Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in > Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I > can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days > later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight > Bosco on the job. > > I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The > clerk said, "ten-four." > > I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet > supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that > said "compact cars"... > > I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got > there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the > sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a > row." > > I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They > ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything > I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra > medium." > > I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was > in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they > weren't included. So I had to buy them again. > > I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked > up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you > got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have > anything you like?" I said, "You started this." > > I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. > She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone > bought anything today. > > There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. > Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. > > I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to > the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a > different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. > > Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French > looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't > read in two different languages. > > --- appliances --- > > For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put > them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled > my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny. > > Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I > don't get it... > > I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I > laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. > > My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ... > > I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil. > > I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. > > I invented the cordless extension cord. > > --- telephones --- > > Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever > I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time > I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop > ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. > I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- > it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the > other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I > said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five > on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't > know... My calendar has no sevens on it." > > I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called > someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." > > Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, > "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They > said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I > said, "I'll wait." > > I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called > Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't > find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they > were! > > Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, > hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a > nervous breakdown. > > I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home > and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy > signal. I like to leave messages before the beep. > > I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone > inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a > call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to > the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls > yesterday." > > --- records/tapes --- > > I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it > on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I > could only stutter in Spanish. > > I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the > wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned > them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank." > > I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing > so I bought the album. > > I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes. > When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up > full blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knock > on my door. It was my neighbor complaining about the > noise... He's a mime. > > --- books --- > > I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about > everything. > > Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? > The guy who wrote that song wrote everything. > > My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in > 1912... Well, to make a long story short ... > > I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I > just have to fill in the rest. > > I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. > > I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose. > > I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading > accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. > > --- apartments --- > > I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live > above me are furious! > > All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me > designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across > the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing > gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm > marking down everything in the store." > > The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and > replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home > I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and > replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said, > "Do I know you?" > > --- houses --- > > In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. > Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. > Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut > it out." > > Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick > wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one > who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch > it... It feels real." > > In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms > above... So I never have to go upstairs. > > One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the > flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and > took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was > lightning in my house. > > I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to > look at it. > > All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. > I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes. > > My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a > megaphone. > > Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... > If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on > your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater > real quick. > > I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write > right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month." > > My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the > neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get > out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. > > I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how > I got there. > > The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house > with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it > around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. > He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, > I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, > "Get out of my driveway!" > > My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really > notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. > > --- cars and driving --- > > For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No > place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it > running... (Slow glance upward.) > > I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, > I was still inside. > > I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. > I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. > > I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it > looks like I'm the only one moving. > > I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my > car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been > arrested three times for practicing. > > I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one > out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds > *amazing*. > > I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left > earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. > > I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got > dizzy. > > I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air > for the tires. > > My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out. > > I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park > anywhere near the place. > > I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. > But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." > > Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the > driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to > listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was. > > Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and > turns up my radio every time I park? > > I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some > people must be really tired. > > I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it > sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the > woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it > backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of > deer chasing me. Those were the days. > > I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, > "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once > in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." > > I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my > Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying > to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the > highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked > up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new > cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. > The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get > into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really > into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had > our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got > speeding tickets. > > A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so > fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an > accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the > engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this > thing? This steers it." > > I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, > "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, > officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..." > > One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, > "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't > believe everything I read." > > Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of > mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The > police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's > driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. > You know the rest. > > I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. > Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer > and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you > can go." > > That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop > you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer > pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I > think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." > "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line > between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. > Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, > please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have > a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket." > > We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going > through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge > if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further > questions." > > I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I > said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in > the passing lane?" > > When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great > parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask > me if I'm leaving. > > Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came > back the entire area was missing. > > --- airplanes --- > > I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept > locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot > stepladder with a coathanger. > > One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was > walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess > told me to sit down. > > When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You > buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they > bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have > the weekend. > > So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and > I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are > knocking people over... > > --- friends --- > > I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, > but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches > tall. He's the one who poses for trophies. > > A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to > go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... > Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better... > > I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends > went to the funeral in one car. > > I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to > him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. > Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held > up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." > I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the > thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave > it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars > from George. > > I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's > called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm > Not Raking 'Til Spring." > > My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this > tour. I said, "the whole time." > > My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, > I go over there and write misspelled words on them. > > So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there > anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting > attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't > really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to > die because my birth certificate has an expiration date. > > --- sleeping --- > > I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, > "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." > She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and > hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out > of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said > "I thought I told you to go to sleep." > > I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that > means it's going to be up all night. > > My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night > and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were > going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, > "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..." > > When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you > sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." > > I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. > > One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's > satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world. > > I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. > > --- pets --- > > It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a > Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in > a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed > except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family > picnics. > > My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the > apartment somewhere. > > Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. > > If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on > their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat > and drop it? > > I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to > call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went > insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East > German Shepherd. Very disciplined. > > I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures > of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in > circles. > > The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on > the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm > afraid of widths. > > I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. > > I don't like dogs... Keep getting mustard on my catching glove. > > --- fishing --- > > Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a > dotted line. He caught every other fish. > > There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore > looking like an idiot. > > --- chemistry --- > > If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the > precipitate. > > (Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two > parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! > > They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... > (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live > on the edge... > > I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. > > --- childhood --- > > I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. > It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the > window. > > When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading > it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- > Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." > > When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a > closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator > practice. > > I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy > subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and > then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. > > When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you > have any toy train schedules?" > > When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand > box. I was an only child... Eventually. > > When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was > a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running > down the street on a purple wooden horse. > > When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I > said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six." > > When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I > stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I > learned that the shortest distance between two points was a > direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. > > When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV > saying, "Only you can prevent forest fires." I thought "Who? > Me?" So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night > with a bucket of water -- "Gotta go to work." > > I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't > find tractors small enough to fit it. > > My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his > birthmark until he was eight years old. > > When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We > haven't spoken since. > > My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, > I'm in the band." > > When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for > twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. > When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but > he didn't obey. > > Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the > beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and > say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your > life!" > > My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so > later I can ask him what he meant. > > --- suicide --- > > I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I > changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and > landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened > and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's > done." > > I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have > been serious because I brought a beach towel. > > --- other long stories --- > > I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after > me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, > where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A > few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... > We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You > know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We > got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. I > asked him why he lives all alone out in the desert. He said, > "Don't tell anyone, but I'm doing secret research for the > government." I asked what kind of research. He said, "I'm > trying to determine who *really* built the pyramids. Now, I'm > not positive, but I think it was a guy named 'Phil'." Then the > phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, > "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I > said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student > loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your > last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they > received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like > to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll > give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend > Jiggs Casey, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I > would appreciate it if you never called me again." > > One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the > most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, > "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't > it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a > problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I > can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well > sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger > on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a > nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my > name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky > Goldstein..." > > Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met > her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was > putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, > Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, > flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping > way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, > and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her > brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about > sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And > her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who > designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries > in something. Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like > going to a concert. She yells a lot. She throws frisbees > around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match. > > Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. > I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride > came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried > me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, > and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out > of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving > horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you. > > A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: > two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in > England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift > with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain > without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You > know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I > said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was > in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you > better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a > Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." > > I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing > sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I > said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this > stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. > I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't > a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on > in. Want some eggs? Sorry." > > --- other miscellaneous one-liners --- > > One night I came home very late. It was the next night. > > I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils. > > After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? > > I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. > > The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter." > > I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. > > I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over. > > I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one? > > I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. > > I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. > > I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. > > A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt. > > Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting. > > I took a baby shower. > > I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. > > I washed mud, off of mud. > > How young can you die of old age? > > If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? > > If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? > > I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. > > On the other hand... You have different fingers. > > I can levitate birds. No one cares. > > Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em. > > If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the > money go? > > If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you > have the pen! > > What do batteries run on? > > Are there any questions? > > --- miscellaneous --- > > I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had > made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When > I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I > came back. > > I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in > it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and > it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow > that does it in rows. > > (Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with > the snow in it... Just checking. > > I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer > thinks he can get me five. > > I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like > the white part. > > My uncle's an airline pilot... Kinda makes it difficult to hold > the bottle though. > > My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope > it's not hereditary. > > Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put > your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny. > > My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole > package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes > she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. > > The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a > rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on > a tree. > > I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... > Boy, were they mad! > > The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. > Fred, Barney... > > I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and > act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. > > It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room > temperature. > > I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini > locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of > Norman Rockwell beating up a child. > > I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for > reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. > > Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got > pretty good. He could go under a rug. > > I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was > an honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and > thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee. > > I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency > Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? > > I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The > study of milkmen. > > I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness > stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but > the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women > in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep > going or are you going to ask me questions?" > > Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I > sold a #3 for 28 bucks. > > I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a > full house and four people died. > > I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It > said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it." > > I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's > property. > > The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you > get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. > > The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose > twice. Everything had two shadows. > > Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns > behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false > teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and > when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk. > > When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had > any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" > > I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There > was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired > myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I > paid myself. Then I quit. > > Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood > around and sang Happy Birthday. > > In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the > roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. > > Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that > he just whipped out a quarter? > > I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" > taller. > > I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off > infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing > lines on curved roads. > > This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike > along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter... > > I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. > The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. > He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I > figured the game *he* was watching was better. > ___________________________________ > > From: rods@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt) > Date: 22 Jan 1990 > Subject: FAKE Steven Wright jokes [original; edited] > Newsgroups: rec.humor > > Here are my categories, with examples (these are bona fide SW > jokes but listed here rather than above since Rod used them as > examples). > > ENGLISH: > > I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when > suddenly the prescription ran out. > > I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. > > REVERSALS / SYMMETRY: > > I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. > The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot > today." > > I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started > reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. > If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of > light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" > He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." > > SIMILARITY / ANALOGY: > > I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had > a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." > > Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. > I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People > complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a > forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest > made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest. > > WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS: > > When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my > age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six > I'll be ninety. > > Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how > much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. > > IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION): > > I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in > time. > > It's a fine night to have an evening. > > Even snakes are afraid of snakes. > > SELF: > > I can't stop thinking like this. > > This isn't all true. > > You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you > get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like > that all the time. > > NAAAHH: > > I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. > > Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. > > TRIVIALIZATION: > > Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They > lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and > took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, > they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each > other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did > you think?" > > My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or > numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it > was. You can guess what he told me. > ___________________________________ > > "FAKE" STEVEN WRIGHT SAYINGS BY ROD SCHMIDT (total of 59): > > [Editor: Curiously, I've seen Rod's jokes attributed to SW and > vice versa. I guess that's a compliment to Rod. If any are > currently miscategorized, I'll be happy to fix that...] > > I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know > what to feed it. > > I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to > a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you > want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes". > > I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. > It was made of grass. > > My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if > I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. > > I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on > it. I make the holes bigger. > > I had amnesia once or twice. > > I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. > > I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had > to give it back. > > I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a > dollar bill to everybody on the list. > > My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go > up the stairs. > > The sky is falling. The sun is rising. > > The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards. > > The sky already fell. Now what? > > The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every > morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. > > I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun > wouldn't rise. > > If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, > does he become disoriented? > > I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm > Narcissus. > > How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? > > I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. > > I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure > enough, I couldn't see any forests. > > If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a > fan club? > > When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my > ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. > > If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to > think you're Shakespeare? > > If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a > monkey? > > Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually... > > I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet > when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and > falls on the floor. > > I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in > only ten minutes. > > I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change > this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends". > > I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch > light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. > > I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. > > I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not > for sale." > > You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology > experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's > part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. > > You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is > in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that > all the time. > > I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. > "What are you making?" "A salt lick." > > There aren't enough days in the weekend. > > My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets > have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through > wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she > has to put something on. > > Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill. > > Is "tired old cliche" one? > > if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a > joke? > > It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. > > The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to > Les. > > Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what > for?" > > Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. > It told me it was none of my business. > > In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends > with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. > > I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. > > I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.