From mowgli@sprawl.com Thu Sep 21 05:19:58 1995 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil t nil nil nil nil] ["6057" "Thu" "21" "September" "1995" "05:19:37" "-0400" "Mowgli C. Assor" "mowgli@sprawl.com" "" "165" "Windows95 humor... I died [Forward]" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from mail.sprawl.com ([198.30.122.1]) by cloyd.cs.cornell.edu (8.6.10/M1.8) with SMTP id FAA03005 for ; Thu, 21 Sep 1995 05:19:54 -0400 Received: by mail.sprawl.com (Smail3.1.28.1 #10) id m0svhn9-000fHFC; Thu, 21 Sep 95 05:19 EDT Message-Id: X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL24alpha3] MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Length: 6056 From: mowgli@sprawl.com (Mowgli C. Assor) To: jcn@infinet.com, frank@cs.cornell.edu, gc3@infinet.com, wlg@infinet.com, welch@oar.net, djr@infinet.com, watters@infinet.com, loofbour@cgrg.ohio-state.edu, fjs@csi.compuserve.com, dpk@csi.compuserve.com Subject: Windows95 humor... I died [Forward] Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 05:19:37 -0400 (EDT) I thought you'd all enjoy this. If you're on the original list, I apologize for the duplication. Later, (Headers edited) >From The Fingers Of Charlie Smith : > From: charlie@elektro.cmhnet.org (Charlie Smith) > Subject: Windows95 humor... I died > Date: Wed, 20 Sep 95 21:18:25 EDT > Origination: elektro - Interactive i386 Version 3.0 > Timezone: It's 6 hours east of Nome, Alaska! > X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4dev PL62] > Content-Type: text > Content-Length: 4983 > [forwards vaporized...] > > Begin forwarded message: > > There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. > > "Not you again," I said. > > "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here." > > Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the > Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, > to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an > essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, > not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was > the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from > Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. > > "No," I said. > > "You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 > from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask." > > "Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go > bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who > doesn't have a copy." > > "Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one." > > "You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I > said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own > Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who > have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there > are some people who just have no use for Windows 95." > > The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said. > > "Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?" > > "Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," > The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, > everyone else on the planet has a copy." > > "People without computers?" > > "Got 'em." > > "Amazonian Indians?" > > "We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes." > > "The Amish." > > "Check." > > "Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get > them to buy a computer operating system?" > > "We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," > the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all > going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for > a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. > "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you." > > "So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you > expect me to do it, too?" > > "If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely." > > "No." > > "Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell > you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it > on your computer." He waved the box in front of me. > > "No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, > your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a > computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys > are advertising it like it creates world peace or something." > > "It did." > > "Pardon?" > > "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button > access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple." > > "So what happened?" > > "Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. > We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't > figure out how to make a profit off of world peace." > > "Go away," I said. > > "I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail." > > "You have got to be kidding," I said. > > "Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! > Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. > We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But > we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's > embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's > embarassing to BILL." > > "Bill Gates does not care about me," I said. > > "He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of > those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of > those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of > grey ash." > > "He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by > accident." > > "Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, > nervously. > > "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you > take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll > give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?" > > "Terrible. There's an active volcano there." > > "It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said. > > "Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows > 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That > would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?" > > The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me. > > "'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?" > > "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said. > > I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, > and then nothing. > > > -- Address: mowgli@ace.sprawl.com (Mowgli Assor in pseudo-quasi-real life) "Now it all comes down to numbers, now I'm glad that I have quit. Folks these days just don't do nothin', simply for the love of it." "A Month Of Sundays" - Don Henley